Starring Me and Joe the RacistYesterday evening I went to get my haircut at the barber in my office building. My barber Steve, actually went to my CD recording and told me how awesome it was, by recalling a few of my jokes. That was cool except for one problem: his favorite joke of mine was not actually mine, but belonged to one of my friends. Sort of like when the priest in Amadeus tells Salieri that he loves his song only to find out that the song is Mozart’s.

And the comparison to Mozart is appropriate because the guy sitting in the other barber chair definitely had 18th century views on race – meet Joe The Racist.

As I am sitting I hear JTR start talking about Obama and how he is a socialist and a liar, but with that arbitrary hatred that heretofore had been reserved only for Hillary Clinton. He kept talking about how John McCain was not going to raise taxes and was honest and that Obama was a liar who was going to spread the wealth. He then said that McCain and Clinton are pretty much the same and that he would prefer Clinton to Obama. Here is the conversation that ensued:

J-L: Obama’s the man.

JTP: (taking the bait) Obama is a liar. You know how you know Obama’s lying? When he open his mouth (clearly some shi-ty Sean Hannity-type joke).

J-L: I guess when John McCain called Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson agents of intolerance and then began courting their support and the support of the far right he wasn’t lying or backtracking.

JTP: No he was pandering, not lying. Obama panders and lies and hangs around with people who want to blow up the country and hate America, like William Ayers and Jeremiah Wright.

J-L: So when Pat Robertson blamed 9/11 on gays that was tolerant pro-America talk?

JTR: He apologized for that. Jeremiah Wright never apologized for saying God Damn America.

J-L: Nor should he (this is where things got good).

JTR: Cocksucking motherfu-ker!! You don’t like America then leave. (speaking about me and Jeremiah Wright I believe).

J-L (trying to follow the coolness of Obama, which I do not have): Why should he apologize for exercising free speech about a country that has not been too friendly to African-Americans.

JTR: Oh please – this whole reparations issue (????) for stuff that happened like 200 years ago. Bad stuff happened to my family. Hell, bad stuff happened to me 10 years ago – do I get a cash handout?

J-L: 400 years of slavery, 100 more years of institutionalized racism – we needed the Civil Rights Act less than 50 years ago to ensure fair treatment, but yeah that’s about the same as whatever beef you had in your life I’m sure.

JTR: White guy growing up in a black neighborhood, I never dealt with intolerance or racism.

(fortunately like Obama I had a blonde white woman in my life for a year and a half who peppered me with very similar arguments, which helped me keep my cool when the real deal happened)

J-L: growing up with a black Dad and a white Mom I have seen and heard discrimination. Maybe that’s why I like Obama.

JTR: Well he’s a socialist and he’s friends with terrorists. And there’s going to be rioting either way probably. They will riot if he wins or they will riot if he loses because they’re pissed. Maybe not in Manhattan, but definitely in places like Detroit and Chicago.

J-L: I am going to steal candy on November 5th if he loses as my looting.

Haircuts finished.

JTR: If Obama gets elected, we’re 5-10 years from a Civil War. Maybe not like 1865, but there will be blood in the streets for sure.

J-L: That’s funny. I’d be more worried about the rednecks in the deep south’s reaction when they have a black president.

Then JTR looks at me and then takes a visibly closer look and says: YOU have had issues with racism (you know cause I don’t look very black).

J-L: Judging books by covers is always a good life plan buddy.

JTR: I judge people by their actions and who they hang out with.

J-L (channeling my inner Obama cool): Well, I just got a haircut from a nice barber in a nice barber shop so I guess I’m alright.

Then leaving I stuck my head back in the door and said: November 4th – Change is Coming!

Don’t make me a liar Barack. And if you win be fu-king careful.