Baxter

In fairy tales, hypothetical tales of love, and Hallmark-style commercials when a man buys a puppy for his lady it seems that nothing goes wrong. This was the idea when I surprised my fiancee with a Beagle puppy. I have been told repeatedly that she wants one and that other than Smith from Sex and the City, Beagle puppies are her favorite thing in the world (far ahead of Haitian-Irish comics).

However, unless you are Barack Obama, this world of hopes and dreams is not reality. I immediately learned a few things.

1) Buying a puppy by surprise is apparently never a good idea. No matter how many times you hear I want a puppy. And no matter how many times you get or give hints at a Valentine’s/Birthday purchase – not a good idea.

2) Beagles are apparently the spokesdog for badly behaved dogs. Every product that seems to offer some deterrent for bad behavior uses a Beagle as the symbol.

3) Baxter (named for Ron Burgundy’s dog in Anchorman) can pinch loaves that smell like the stables at Preakness after an epidemic of horse dysentery has struck. Within 10 seconds you can smell his creations in the other room.

4) I do not LOVE dogs. I have always liked dogs. I have walked them, petted tham and played with them. However, I realized something. I do not love dogs. I see Petco as a smelly necessity, not as a kid sees candy stores. I think dogs are pleasant pets. But I do not think they are friends.

5) I have learned that having a puppy is like having a kid, but without all the sense of meaning and pride.

6) But most importantly, the silver lining to this is that having a Beagle puppy is great for material. Did I ever tell you the one about the time I “lost” my puppy in the Hudson River?