Human Sacrifice and the Worst Penguin Movie Ever

As promised this weekend was a weekend of movie watching and since I wanted a theme I decided to see Apocalypto and Happy Feet because of their obvious similarities.

First was Apocalypto, Mel Gibson’s Gore de Force about pre-colonial Mayan Civilization. I went to see it by myself because all of my friends did not want to support Mel Gibson. I, on the other hand, cannot turn my back on the man who directed The Man Without A Face. So I bought ten tickets for all of my sensitive friends who won’t see it.

When I got into the theater 20 minutes before showtime I was surprised to see the theater packed. Even on the Upper West Side of Manhattan Mel still apparently has friends. Among those friends were a woman with a 6 month old sitting behind me and an old couple who kept snoring throughout the first half of the movie. I also spilled a full order of pretzel bites on the floor which put me in a bad mood before the movie.

So the movie went like this. The first half is Mel Gibson taking you into a very different language and culture. It sort of resembled a creepy National Geographic special. Lots of male ass cheeks in loin cloths and lots of female breasts, but in a tasteful way (i.e. not the kind of scenes you will re-wind on DVD). The second half is how a violent tribe kidnaps and sacrifices men of the peaceful tribe to appease the gods and get a draught to end. Hearts still beating were ripped from chests and heads were severed. And the main character manages to escape which turns the second half of the movie into a Mayan Fugitive. “I need a hard target search of every loin cloth, forest tree and dark cave. Our fugitive’s name is Dr. Jaguar Paw.” I kept wanting to hear Harrison Ford shout out in Myan, “He switched the samples. Did you kill Lentz too?”

The movie was really good, but not great. Mel Gibson has issues and I honestly believe anti-Semitism is not the most pressing. This guy loves violence and making people see human suffering. But as a credit to his filmmaking, you do feel it. I give this movie a very low A- (almost a B+). I can’t wait to see the sequel they are talking about: Sugartitso.

The next day I went to see Happy Feet because nothing gets you in the mood for an animated film about penguins like a film about human sacrifice. Happy Feet sucked. Once again proving that the only animated movies worth seeing start with one of 2 words: Pixar or Shrek. What happened with this film I believe is that they saw March of The Penguins and said, I think we can make a cartoon out of this. Basic plot – penguin can’t sing like others, but can dance. Penguin feels like an outcast, joins a thinly veiled Latino gang and learns his value and helps everyone.

The pluses of this film are the baby penguin’s dancing, which is cute and very funny to watch. That’s it. Negatives – Hugh Jackman’s voice work as an Elvis-type penguin is embarrassingly bad. He made me want to kill penguins. Robin Williams voices not one but two crappy characters. Oh Captain, my captain – stop it. All I kept doing during the movie was thinking of how to make the movie funnier. They almost all involved penguins meeting very violent ends.

The fact that this movie is the #1 movie in the country the last few weeks is an embarrassment. I give it a D+.

Tonight is the finale of The Wire, Season 4. There is nothing on TV or in theaters that compares to it. That show is so good it wouldn’t surprise me if they kill a penguin or Hugh Jackman in the finale to avenge my anger at Happy Feet.