Zohan and Carrie

Never did I think I would be thinking, “Man, I should have seen Kung Fu Panda,” after seeing two movies this weekend, but that is exactly what I thought.

The first bowel-movement-passed-off-as-film that I saw was “You Don’t Mess With the Zohan.” With the exception of one funny montage and some scenes so over the top I had to surrender some laughs this movie is horrendous (blame my mentee who wanted to see it). If the rednecks and anti-Semites ever put together a court case on how the Jews run entertainment I am pretty sure Adam Sandler’s success will be their equivalent of the bloody glove. I enjoyed Happy Gilmore and when one of his movies is on television I will sometimes watch, but this guy’s megastar status baffles me. And I am pretty sure that Adam Sandler claims Rob Schneider as a dependent on tax returns because apparently but roles in Adam Sandler movies are his only means of support.

But like an appetizer of piss, before a main course of sh*t, Zohan was merely a prelude to Sex and the City.

There were several things that annoyed me in this film besides the September 20th wedding date of Big and Carrie. First, the acting by some people in the movie (Chris Noth and the guy who plays Steve) was atrocious. Second, someone must have told the writers that for a feature length film they must stray from their successful formula of seamen references and puns and venture into more diverse dialogue. Well, that was a bad idea. Third, Jason Lewis (Smith), one of the top two attractive J-L’s in the world has apparently done a Vince Vaughn (pulling a Vince Vaughn is when a newcomer to movies finds some success and then drinks and parties 15 years onto his face in 3-4 years), which was disappointing to me, but brought me one heroin addiction away from topping that list. I am assuming that Lewis began shooting heroin shortly after viewing this film. Fourth, the movie was 2 hours and 20 minutes long. Even four women only have about 90 minutes of worthwhile things to say, but somehow the movie managed an extra 50 minutes.

I feel like due to the film’s success there is always a chance for a sequel, which means that we will all be able to look forward to Samantha Jones blowing nursing home orderlies in the future.

Next in the competition for worst movie to come out since Indian Jones 4 will be The Incredible Hulk. Hancock, Batman 2 and Tropic Thunder are all that stand in the way from this being the worst Summer of movies.