This blog contains some foul language. It is rated PG-13.

(All Final Four teams gone – – Go George Mason)

So I went to see Spike Lee’s new movie, Inside Man, this weekend. The movie was ok, but the guy sitting behind me would not shut up about how he was annoyed because he thought it was a remake of a 1978 gay porn film.

I was on the 1 train on the way to the show and one of those “only in NY” things happened. A black man in his late twenties got on the train carrying bags of videotapes, and from his appearance and intense stare on the man’s face, he was probably on his way downtown to take advantage of the long standing videotapes-for-drugs exchange program. He sat down and apparently the caucasion next to him got too close because all I could hear (I could not see through the crowded train at this point) was: “WHY [are] YOU LEANING ON ME. WHIITE RACIST BITCH – I’M A MAN AND I DON’T PLAY [these types of games]. I was not sure what happened, but all I kept hoping was that the man would soon get his “medication” and calm down. But then an awesome thing happened, the seat next to the man opened up and like a reality show trying to exploit racial tension, the train doors opened up and in walked a white man with flowing blond hair, glasses and neatly pressed khakis (Central Casting – I need a typical white guy) who unknowingly started WWIII on the 1 train.

Khakis sat down next to Jimmy Crack Corn (the seat was open – I could now see this) and Mr. Crack Corn said: HOW [are] YOU GONNA JUST LEAN UP ON ME – YOU SAY EXCUSE ME. I’M A MAN. THIS IS LIKE BACK IN THE DAY WITH THIS RACIST SHIT.

Now Khakis was scared of this man, but not wanting to completely back down (insert random black comic doing thir “white voice:” “Now wait just a second misterrrr” replied: I AM JUST TRYING TO SIT. And then random white woman said: YEAH STOP IT. To which, Pookie (New Jack City) replied: RACIST WHITE BITCH – IF A BLACK MAN HAD SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME YOU WOULD NOT HAVE SAID SHIT. THIS [is]THAT RACISM FROM BACK IN THE DAY.

Then two cops got on the train and Ratso Rizzo shut up. But after the police left he began barking about snitches (if only I had been wearing my “stop snitching” t-shirt that is so popular among convicted and potential felons).

I learned 6 important things on the train:

1) Our friend was black and a man, as he insisted on everytime he spoke.

2) Our friend did not like verbs.

3) Our friend should probably thank Bernie Goetz racism, because if the white folks he was terrorizing knew that he was an agnry, but harmless drug addict (and not a gun toting ABM, as most probably perceived) then they would have taken turns beating his annoying ass. Racism and irony, an unbeatable combo.

4) Although “white bitch” is not the equivalent of the “N WORD” it has become the closest thing to a racial slur for white people and all I can say is IT TOOK LONG ENOUGH.

5) When white people and black people are involved in any racial tension I stay out of it because I don’t want to explain my racial credentials before entering the argument.

6) Our friend was scared of police.

Now I arrived at the theater at 1:30 pm, just in time for the show. Unfortunately there were only 3 seats left in the whole theater – including one about 5 feet from the screen and so far to the right that everytime Denzel Washington was on screen with Jodie Foster it looked like he was about 4 feet taller than her. My point is – how can theaters get away with actually selling full price movies tickets that give people such a poor movie experience. I think a movie is worth $7 per ticket, but the seat I had should be about $1.50. That is just some more of that racist shit.

The worst part of the whole movie was the previews – there was one for the film Flight 93 – about the passengers who fought back on 9-11. Like George Carlin said – we are a culture obsessed with death and I for one think it is way too soon to make a film about 9-11; one should have to wait at least 60 years so Ben Affleck and Jerrry Bruckheimer can make a mockery of a national tragedy with a terrible film.

Saturday night I went out with a couple of my friends from high school to go to a birthday party in the East 20s. While at the bar I was waiting to get a drink at the bar I said to my friend Jarrod: “Hey let me get in to the bar so I can order my drink.” At that point a snotty Manhattan woman said, “If you would let me and my friends move by you could have your bar space!” And then she pushed me in the shoulder with all the force of her Daddy’s trust fund. She was then followed by a woman and a man, presumably her boyfriend by the way he scurried by the offended 6’7″ 270 lb person his girlfriend had just pushed. I then did the only thing I could think of on such short norice. I looked Amber or Emily (whatever he name was) and yelled “Bitch.” I should have probably yelled something else like “Trick,” which carries with it the misogynistic undertones of ealry 90s gangsta rap, but on short notice I went standard. Now the woman was white and all I kept think about the next day was WWVCDAD? What Would VIdeotape Carrying Drug Addict Do? He probably would have called her a “white bitch,” and since I am half white I could probably get away with it, but I chose not to stoop so low because the half black side of me said – “I can’t say it because the white half of me would be offended,” just like the white side of me won’t allow me to say the N word. Oh well – there is alwas the compromise my (Irish) Uncle learned from teaching in NYC public schools.

One day, long ago, a student was upset with my Uncle’s instructions and confused my Uncle when the student called him a “White Ni-g-r Bitch.” (per my racial agreement I am allowed to hint strongly at the word and sing it in rap songs, but may not fully write it out). Well, the confusion can end here because we now have a use for it and from now on if anyone is confused about how to be racist towards me they can go with my standard “Nick” or now they can call me a WNB. But don’t add Asshole to that because that would make me a WNBA and I would rather be a WNB, than confused with a women’s hoops league.