To make it easier to catch up (or ignore) the stuff I have done over the week here is my first week in review post. Now you can make sure you have gotten all my stuff (or effectively ignored all my stuff.
Thanks for the support and tune keep checking in – all new stuff every week. Including some new stand up videos on my website. Upcoming cities in the next 3 months: Indianapolis, Syracuse, NYC, Nashville, Atlanta, Philadelphia and Boston. Have a nice weekend.
Hello readers, fans, and haters! No profound thoughts on life, culture or comedy this week, so I thought I would share some new stand up bits/clips from recent shows. Hopefully you enjoy one, some or all of them and will share one you like. Thanks, and don’t forget to check out my weekly podcast Righteous Prick on iTunes or Podomatic.
Last week was a historic week for half-black people of America. Barack Obama became the first two-term half-black President, breaking his own record of one term. Then, just two short days later, I performed at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco for the first time. You all probably know the story of Obama’s re-election so I will spend the remainder of the post re-capping the story of how a horrible trip to San Francisco became a terrific night of comedy. Like the reverse of delusional right-wing pundits I started with horrible expectations and left victorious.
Seat 44F – The Worst Seat in the World
Being 6’7″ tall with knees that have been semi-crippled from a combination of basketball, squats and Dunkin Donuts the only seats that I can survive in on a plane are Emergency Exit rows, or, in a pinch, aisle seats, which allow me to crack my knees when I stretch them in the aisle. And these are for flights of 3 hours or less. As you may know, the trip to San Francisco from NYC is approximately 6 hours, which if my knees had a bladder, hearing that information would make them urinate involuntarily. Then I looked at my seat assignment: 44F.
If you do not know, 44F is the last row window seat of a Delta 757. It is literally the worst seat on the plane for various reasons:
No reclining capability.
Last to get off the plane on arrival
In the movie Flight, only the people towards the back of the plane got severely injured (with exceptions of the crew)
Enough legroom for a 13 year old version of J-L, but no older than that
I sat down for about five minutes, with the corners of the trays digging into my knees and my nuts crushing with the combination of the tiny width of the seat and size of my legs. I then contemplated that there were only 300 more 5-minute increments (assuming the flight would take off on time) and immediately got out of my seat and begged the flight attendant to bribe another passenger with my money or her mouth for another seat for me. Fortunately a kind, older Australian couple sat down in seats D and E next to me and offered to switch D and F with me. I thanked them profusely and told the flight attendant she would no longer need to re-up her mile high club membership for my benefit.
Of course the flight was then 90 minutes delayed from that point as we waited for the food and beverages to be delivered (I would rather have that delay than the “checking out some mechanical issues” delay). So I ended up standing for about an hour chatting up the two Atlanta based flight attendants. This chat would subsequently earn me a free meal, M & Ms and free booze for the couple sitting next to me because the flight attendants felt so bad for my soon to be destroyed knee cartilage and so good about their Aussie benevolence.
This is what my legs look like in coach WITH an aisle to spread out into.
Am I Dreaming?
When we finally reached our cruising altitude I stood up (I spent about 3 of the 6 hours standing) and continued chatting with the flight attendants. I never got either of their names, so I will call one the 48 year old and one the 58 year old. We began talking about television shows and the 48 year old said her favorite show on television was Breaking Bad. And just as I was about to climax in my pants, the 58 year old one brought up Six Feet Under as one of her favorite shows. (for the record these are two of my 3 favorite dramas of all time – The Wire being the third). So as I am enjoying these entertainment-enlightened, free food and beverage goddesses they then asked me what I did for a living. I told them I make my money in human trafficking because I constantly shuttle myself around the country to be underpaid and abused, but other people call it comedy. They replied with “get out of town” type reactions and then started asking me who I enjoyed in comedy. I told them Chris Rock and Bill Burr. The 48 year old then told me that there was a “popular guy who everyone talks about, but she doesn’t really get all the hype.” I then asked, with the same tone as a man asking a woman to marry him, who is unsure of the answer, if she meant Louis CK. She said yes and said “I just don’t find him as funny as everyone.”
At this moment I slapped myself in the face because I assume the plane had already crashed (Lost style) and I was already in some sort of afterlife of goodness. A Breaking Bad enthusiast, Louis CK skeptic flight attendant? I have actually written a porn with these exact specifications for the female lead!
But the dream had to end and when I arrived in San Francisco it was time to say goodbye to these generous angels of Delta and make my way to Cobbs Comedy Club.
The Night I Blew The Mic So Hard Even San Francisco Was Uncomfortable With It
So the lineup for the Comedians at Law show for the night at Cobbs was CAL member Alex Barnett leading off, then a guest spot for a chick comedian, then me, then a guest spot for a guitar playing comedian, then CAL-er Matt Ritter closing. So to sum it up I was between a woman and a guitar, two things I have been a vocal supporter of in comedy. So I went up and was slated for 30 minutes. I did 39. One of the strongest sets I have had in a long time. Did a new bit on law school relationships that I wrote on the the plane ride when I was not making wedding plans with the 48 year old flight attendant. Did some other newer bits and a host of older ones and it was awesome (the new bit is basically that women in law school should lock up their law school man immediately because life is going to get worse for them and that men in law school should avoid getting locked up under all circumstances because life will get exponentially better for them).
My name up in lights. Sort of. Not really. But I am one of them.
So despite blowing the light so hard that Harvey Milk rose from the dead to support me the show was a huge success and I sold a bunch of CDs. I then got to hang out with some friends, including one of my best buds from law school.
Skyfall Day
I decided to stay an extra day in San Francisco to hang out with my friend, but as it turns out, like almost every other graduate of Georgetown Law Class of 2004, he has a day job so I ended up just walking around the shopping district of San Francisco and seeing a matinee of the new James Bond film Skyfall. I then filmed my weekly movie review show in the guest room of my friend’s apartment, with his two gay fish as co-hosts. Here it is:
The Myth of Preferred Seats on Delta
With nothing else of note to report from San Francisco it was time to fly back to NYC. I had a 615 am flight and arrived at the airport at 410 am. I then noticed upon checking in that there were a few open seats in the “priority category.” For only $29 I might actually have just enough room to sit only slightly uncomfortably?! Amen! So I bought the seat (27C) and got ready for extra leg room.
Side note as a tall guy. I understand that the diminishing width of seats is my fault. When I was trim seat width did not bother me and my love of cookies and hate of self has started to make it a more snug fit. And I understand that airlines like Southwest want to charge double for fat people, because to a large extent (pun intended), weight is an issue of personal choices. But height is immutable. I am tall and cannot become shorter if I want. So why are all these airlines charge more money for leg room? I NEED THOSE SEATS! My height practically becomes a disability on airplanes, but am I allowed to board with other people who need special assistance? No! This sh*t has to stop!
Now when I got on the plane I was looking forward to my extra leg room, especially since I actually have bruises on both knees from my flight out to San Francisco (always suspicious as a heterosexual man to show back up to NYC with bruised knees after a few days in San Francisco). So imagine my surprise to sit down and see that I had no extra room whatsoever. I asked the flight attendant why there was a mistake in my seat. As it turns out I had only purchased a preferred seat (translation an aisle seat not in the taint of the airplane), but not an “economy comfort” seat (translation seat that would fit me), which cost $80 extra dollars. At this point in aviation, there is going to be a guy whose sole job it is to ejaculate on 100 seats on an airplane and then there will be a “semen free seat” upgrade for $100 for those few seats without ejaculate on them.
Fortunately no one sat next to me so I guess it was a preferred seat, because I prefer to not sit next to anyone! BAM!
So that is the San Francisco recap. Videos from the show will be up on my site and YouTube page soon.
In case you still have Internet in the aftermath of Hurricane/Storm/Bitch Sandy, here is something that will make you wish you had lost your Web access: a blow-for-blow account of life on the road last week. I have not been chronicling my road life as much in 2012 for a very good reason: I have not been getting booked as much. But last week my luck turned around and my cholesterol went way up thanks to a week that took me from Gotham Comedy Club to Lawrence University in Appleton, Wisconsin to “The Comedy Room” in Wyandotte, Michigan (pronounced “where the fu*k am I?”, Wyandotte is an old Native American term for “Where all the white people from Detroit ran away from blacks”). All in all it was over 2,000 miles of driving, over 4,000 grams of trans fats and over $20 in profit! Just kidding, made triple digit profits this week, which means that if I am a victim of Hurricane Sandy’s aftermath relatives of mine will have to divide $125 amongst themselves. I just hope that the nastiness of the ensuing litigation does not tear my family apart. OK – here is the epic tale of comedy domination from NYC through the Midwest.
Tuesday Night – Gotham
I went up first on the Comedians at Law show at Gotham because we are experimenting running comedy shows like athletic events at progressive middle schools – everyone gets to close shows like they are participation trophies. Couple that frustration with some financial arrangements with former group members and I thought it was a bad start to a week (without going into details please watch Michael Corleone in this scene for how I would have chosen to deal with former members):
So I retired for the evening after a surprisingly good set because the next day was the trip to Coldwater, Michigan. Road work is like a cleansing of the comedy palate – leave and forget everything at home for a week or so at a time.
Road Trip – Day 1 – Joe Pontillo: Road Comedy Warrior
On Wednesday I was picked up by Joe Pontillo. I have done several road gigs with Joe Pontillo and here is why Pontillo is a great road comedy companion:
He has a seemingly unlimited capacity for driving, which is good because I do not drive (I have a license, but consider it a serious danger to be behind the wheel).
He is a funny dude.
He is a small human being, which always means he has to sleep on fold out couches instead of beds in the event of limited bedding.
We set of for Coldwater, MI which is about 70% of the way from New York to Appleton, WI. Among the things we learned was that Pennsylvania is the worst city to travel through – it is dark, full of trees and devoid of quality rest stops. Of course Ohio is the exact opposite – their stops are pristine, contain 24 hour Starbucks and are so safe that the staffs consist entirely of 90 year old women at 2am. I also began my futile quest to eat at a Buffalo Wild Wings (I always try to eat at places that I see advertised a lot in NYC, but can never find in NYC – I AM TALKING TO YOU SONIC!).
Comedy Warrior Joe Pontillo always multi-tasking on the road.
We arrived at the Red Roof Inn (the GPS led us to a quiet abandoned road about 2/10 of a mile from the Red Roof Inn, which was temporarily terrifying and then a great relief) at about 2:30 am and for $48 it was a pretty solid place.
Red Roof Inn Continental Breakfast of Losers
Road Trip Day 2 – Appleton’s Reckoning
Joe and I set off for Appleton around 9 am the next day and as we were pulling out I realized that there was a Buffalo Wild Wings behind the hotel (the first of about 5 we would miss by a few feet and/or a few hours of being opened). We stopped at Wendy’s for lunch where I had a burger, fries and milkshake and was served by a woman whose name tag said “Ms. Nique$$..” We arrived at the Hampton Inn in Appleton around 4pm and I then met up with my law school buddy Pat Blaney. We continued a law school tradition by eating dinner at Fuddrucker’s (when my Steelers and Pat’s Packers met in the Super Bowl a couple of years ago we dubbed it the Fudd’s Bowl and bet a $50 Fuddruckers gift card) and I had a burger, fries and soda (because only an animal with a death wish would have burgers, fries AND milkshakes two meals in a row). Then it was time for the show at Lawrence University.
Lawrence University is a pleasant looking liberal arts college of about 1600 students, not unlike where I went to college. And when I arrived at the location of the show I was not surprised to see I would be performing at the campus snack bar. There was a sign of me in the bathroom and I took it as a good sign that there were neither urine stains nor a glory hole cut out of my mouth on the poster. Then one student came up to me and said:
“Are you J-L? I saw your poster and watched your videos on YouTube. You are really funny!.” And then he left ten minutes before the show and never returned.
I met the student liaisons who seemed intimidated both by my size and my 1970s birth date, but were very pleasant. Also, to the credit of a small school in the middle of Appleton the student body appeared incredibly diverse. Either they were taking photos for the campus brochure at my show or it is a very richly diverse student body.
But it was not all good news. I was sadly told that there was a campus wide free screening of a small independent film called The Dark Knight Rises at exactly the same time as the show. So we ended up having 30-40 students at the show and they were a great audience. Joe did a great job warming them up and then I worked my ass off and had a great set. And then, like most college gigs it ended in the most anti-climactic way. You get a hand shake, a few nods from students and then walk out and head back to the Hampton Inn as the students realize that there are more important things than a comedian, such as everything for one example.
Road Trip Day 3 – White Detroit
The next day we headed out around 830 am and passed at least one more Buffalo Wild Wings nearby. We had lunch at Panera Bread where I had a salad which confused my body which had been trained to survive on trans fats and sugar alone. We made it to Wyandotte and went to Portofino’s Restaurant, home of the cleverly named “The Comedy Room.” The show was packed with people because it was a fundraiser for a high school hockey team. So just in case a few black people had snuck into the suburb and were going to attend the show, “hockey fundraiser” probably lowered their numbers even more to a manageable zero.
The set went well, except when I mentioned President Obama, which became a clash between a table of older, pro-Obama women and a table of younger, female mullet having anti-Obama women. Sold a bunch of CDs to top it all off for a very successful evening.
The hotel room had one giant bed and one fold out couch and Pontillo gladly took the fold out couch when I passed out on the large bed.
Road Trip Day 4 – Cloud Atlas and the Olive Garden
I woke up the next day to see Cloud Atlas, but had to call a cab to get to the theater (I decided waking Joe up early after him taking the sofa bed would be too much to ask). So I called a cab at 915am and the dispatcher told me that she would send a cab. At 950am I called back and said I was hoping to get a cab before 10 and she replied, “Oh, we can’t get you one til after ten.” So if anyone is calling for a cab in Michigan tell them “Please send me a cab whenever the fu*k you feel like.”
Watched Cloud Atlas later, thanks to a ride from the Stockton to my comedy Eaton (gotcha hoops fans!), Joe Pontillo, and here is the review I posted later that day:
Pre-show Joe and I went to Olive Garden (add another item to Joe Pontillo’s skill set – Olive Garden gift card at the ready). I ate 9 breadsticks, which left me with garlic breath for the next 14 hours. As we pulled out of the parking lot to head to the last show we of course saw a Buffalo Wild Wings a few storefronts down. DAMN YOU WILD WINGS!!!!
Final show was pleasant, lightly attended and I performed in a semi-coma. From there we got in the car and got on the final drive of the week – Detroit to NYC.
Road Trip Day 5 – Truck Stop Sexual Predator?
My bladder picked an interesting time to age +/- 30 years because I could not stop pissing. Joe continued his monster driving going 7 straight hours until he finally decided he needed to tap out for an hour at a random Pennsylvania rest stop. I opted to walk inside and charge my phone and give Joe an hour of uninterrupted sleep. But when I got in the rest stop it was just a small room with two bathrooms, a few plugs, three vending machines and no seats. I was wearing an LL Bean field coat, a flannel shirt and a sporting a no sleep look in my eyes. And it was dark outside. So for the next hour I became the worst nightmare for approximately 17 travellers who at random times would come in and see a giant bi-racial dude sporting Sea Bass’s wardrobe sans trucker hat, standing in the corner of a rest stop doing absolutely nothing.
But much like my time as a youth int he Catholic Church, my look turned out to be unappealing to yet another stereotypical pocket of sexual deviants. Joe removed his Roger Dorn sleeping eye mask when I came back to the car and we made our final 3 hours back to NYC.
Just in time for the beginning of Hurricane Sandy. Always a happy ending with comedy.
There was a time in my career when I aspired to be the next Greg Giraldo or Patrice O’Neal. Although my health seems to be headed in the right direction to accomplish that goal, the comedy portion of my career does not seem to be on target. And then it dawned on me that I was thinking about comedy in the wrong way. Writing material and performing are secondary sources of content for a successful comedy career today. That is why my new comedy hero is George Takei. I will now enter the cutting edge of comedy – Internet memes!
One thing I must give credit to is Facebook. Internet memes did not seem to be anywhere and then Facebook decided to start making photos larger a little over a year ago (I think – time flies when your career is stagnant). It seems that Facebook decided, very perceptively, that adults, like toddlers, enjoy pictures so they should make them bigger. So as adults we all joined in an adult picture book. Almost instantly it seemed people were posting a lot more pictures on Facebook.
But it was time for us to mature to the children’s books of Facebook – MEMES! Now we could look at a picture and slowly build our comedic reading comprehension. This should come as no surprise. YouTube has been a great tool for promoting and spreading content, but it also conditioned people’s response time to 1-2 minutes for content. But like a people who’s technological capacity is increasing in direct contrast to their attention span, we have now moved on to Memes. Now you need not spend more than 2-3 seconds to get your humor fix!
Of course part of the meme movement were phenomena like “planking” and “Tebowing” which could be grouped in a bigger category of “stupidity.” But they helped prove what everyone except comedians think: Everyone can be a comedian and a source of “comedy” as long as we continue to get dumber and more impatient. But I had not realized how pervasive and how quickly even smart people had been conditioned to prefer memes as the delivery device of modern comedy.
I am a member of Comedians at Law – a group of comedians aimed primarily at untapped, intellectually savvy markets – the legal communities, both professional and educational. There are not many groups of people more steeped in reading comprehension, education or in need of a laugh. So we have produced humorous writings on a daily basis that receive varying responses ranging from decent to very good. Now these are usually writings targeted at our demographic and relatively short depending on how lazy members of the group are feeling. But what has had an inordinate amount of success among legal humor sites? Memes. Some are very funny like the following after the “Obamacare” Decision:
But many are marginally funny at best and yet still yield a tremendous amount of shares, likes and other forms of social media appreciation. Now of course an argument could be that “Hey, sometimes people want a quick laugh or don’t have the time to read something or watch something more involved.” But looking at many of these memes, it feels like people would rather place a premium on efficiency than quality. Why read a five minute funny post when I can look at a relatively unfunny picture for seven seconds? And if this is the comedy preferences of legal professionals and law students, where is the average American’s mindset? I assume laughing at their own boogers at this point.
But the key to comedy in the last decade has been to be ahead of the curve. Dane Cook was with MySpace. Louis CK was with self-producing his own show. So now what is the next level? I am putting all my money on bodily sounds and facial expressions. As society’s comedy expectations continue along the awful crossroad of heightened sensitivity and shorter, less sophisticated attention, is it only a matter of time before farts and buck teeth become the next sensation in comedy’s De-Evolution chart? Speaking of which, please check in to my website every Friday for J-L’s Sneeze of the Week.
I used to feel like a comedian. Now I feel like an Internet marketing company. When I speak of quitting comedy, people sometimes take that statement as a mere “I am not making the money I need so I must quit” sort of cry. And it is. But truthfully, there is so much involved with a comedy career that has nothing to do with comedy, that it feels more like I want to be a comedian in 1998 – that seems like a cool job. In 2012 it feels more like I am a cyber marketer who happens to have a sense of humor.
Illustrative of my frustrations along this front is a conflict that we have had recently in Comedians at Law regarding web traffic. My belief is that we should offer content that is quality and speaks to us 100% and hope that people who follow us are dedicated because of the quality. But there is a school of thought within the group, which does produce more significant web traffic, that we should be delivering what people want. However, the problem with this is that when we offer quality content or radio appearances promoting shows, people who have been drawn to us do not respond with any enthusiasm. I want to attract moths to a comedy flame, but it feels like we are aiming to draw flies to comedy shit. And not to sound too melodramatic, but sometimes I feel like this is the battle being waged in comedy since the YouTube/Twitter takeover. Within 5 years I will be selling fecal samples on my website rather than CDs if this continues. OK, maybe not my feces, but the feces of someone with hilarious feces. Mine are a little bit wordy.
This for me, by comedian Andy Sandford, is a great way of demonstrating part of the mental atrophy that is occurring with audiences of comedy. Even I can fully support this meme. Enjoy and please only share the meme and not the rest of the blog.
For more from J-L please check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes or on Podomatic
Last week was an extremely busy week for me in comedy – a welcome change from the stagnation that has been my 2012.
First I was on Huffington Post Live to discuss my last blog “10 Things In Stand Up Comedy That Should Be Retired.” I was excited when I heard that the panel had Neal Brennan, co-creator of Chappelle’s Show and Ralphie May, Last Comic Standing finalist. However, my excitement appeared to have been misguided because I thought we would be having a fun discussion about a list that was about 80% serious and 20% tongue-in-cheek. Although I tried to make light of it, about halfway through I wanted to yell, “THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN EXHIBITION!” in the spirit of Rocky IV. Between Brennan’s condescending tone and May’s defense of everything on the list, I ended up trying to be humorous on a discussion that was being thrown into the extremely serious. Had I known that it was a fight to the death I would have come ready to do battle, but I did not want to spoil the general tone of the show out of respect to the people of HPL, who were nice enough to ask me on.
If you want to access the blog or the video – check them out at this link:
Then it was on to the more traditional, yet dwindling part of my comedy career, performing. I had two shows with Comedians at Law. The first was at Pace Law School last Thursday, which went great. The second was at a conference in Chicago, which went even better, and allowed me to check in to Midway Airport, which, other than my apartment, a local bar near my apartment and the dessert aisle at my local Food Emporium, has been the place I have visited the most in 2012. These are not the gigs I want to define me by any means, but it was nice money from receptive people before a big swing of clubs in October.
For a quick clip of me at Pace Law, watch here:
But the biggest part of my week came when I recorded my weekly podcast with friend and fellow comedian Josh Homer. As someone almost as angry as me, but even more steeped in comedy business and knowledge, Josh came on the podcast to break down my career and offer constructive criticism, mostly as a way to encourage me to keep pursuing stand-up. Over the tears of my mother I conceded that I would give myself one more year (as opposed to 8 more months) to try and implement his advice, if only to tell him in a year when I have diabetes and occupy a homeless shelter that he was wrong. For a listen to the podcast (and to subscribe on Podomatic – so you can listen on any computer, not just one with your iTunes account) click here:
One of the things Josh recommended was to make my movie reviews a little more detailed and engaging. So the first one under the new, still low-budget, but a little more effort plan is for TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE – enjoy:
But more importantly than that – I have decided to adopt Josh’s strategy against my will. In order to build up my movie review, podcast and blog fans I am going to offer the only thing I can – free CDs (not to mention my plans to record one around my birthday in 2013). Here is the deal (and if you are a friend, a fan or just someone that occasionally reads or watches my stuff you can all help me and I will try to help you).
Fan Page – I have a fan page for my blog. I currently have 150 fans. because this is consistently the most visited part of my site I want to raise the stakes and say if I can get 500 likes on this page (https://www.facebook.com/jlcauvin?ref=tn_tnmn#!/RighteousPrick) then I will make my third album TOO BIG TO FAIL, free (again) for download.
When I record and release my next album in 2013 I will come up with something creative for that, but in the spirit of trying to adapt from some of my old school, cranky (pure) ways I offer this to you guys:
If you are one of my several thousand monthly visitors or one of my super duper 30 or so fans who read, watch, listen and share my stuff consistently I am asking you to help spread the word. All I can really offer is free stuff that cost me money and a handshake/hug/round of tap waters/the occasional comp of admission when I am in your city. But if any or all of that is stuff you want me to keep creating and sharing then please spread the word about this stuff and get me a bigger audience.
I know the big piece of advice from everyone in this social media strategy business (including Josh on the podcast) is to get e-mails. You can sign up for my newsletter at my site, but I don’t want to use it as a carrot. E-mail is a sacred place for amazon.com receipts and penis enlargement pill ads and I would prefer you to only welcome me to that world by your own free will. So I will keep offering free comedy content in all its forms if you can help grow my support. Thanks.
In my monthly or so examination of comedy I have decided after hearing certain things too much that it might make sense to retire them (and to the haters that will read this and comment that “I should retire,” or that “”I cannot retire from a career that is going so poorly,” allow me to say – thanks for reading my blog). In full disclosure, I did many of the things listed early in my career so this is less judgmental and more aspirational, that we might forge ahead with a better, less hacky, less annoying comedy future (sorry I got swept up in the Democratic National Convention rhetoric last night). So, without anymore preamble here is the list of ten things I would like to see retired from comedy by 2013 (wishful thinking):
1. Tyrone. In the last forty years black people have gone from Negroes to Afro-Americans to African-Americans to socialists (if you are a Tea Party member looking to vent your racist rage in a socially and politically acceptable way), but the standard name for a non-black comedian to reveal a black person punchline remains Tyrone. It is time to evolve beyond this. Perhaps Terrel or Daequon could seize the mantle for 2012 (or at least for 2002). Or when in doubt just add a D’ in front of a name and hope for the best. But let’s retire Tyrone, or at least petition the NAACP to have a funeral for it.
2. The White Guy Voice. The white guy voice is a time honored device of degradation for minority comics to demean white guys. It has been done for a long time with varying levels of success (and for me, my favorite spin on it is Dave Chappelle’s, which sounds less corny and more super serious), but it is time to go. I made this decision while watching George Lopez’ Rosetta Stone Spanish lesson, posing as a comedy special on HBO. His special consisted of four things in equal parts: Spanish phrases, telling the difference between Latino families and white families, staring bug-eyed while rubbing the lapel of his suit jacket and doing a white voice circa 1977 comedy. Enough is enough – it is time for a new spin on this one. Retire the old one.
3. “Where my ____ at?” I have heard this line for cheap crowd applause so much that “Give it up for the troops” thinks it is hack. This is the way to usually shoehorn crowd work in to supplement a joke that is not strong enough or organically arising on its own. Work on your bit and tell the crowd what is happening – stop asking them and if you have to ask them a question, at least phrase it differently than every hack emcee across the country trying to sound like they have an ounce of hip hop credibility (hip hop no longer has credibility – see Ice Cube’s Coors commercials and 50 Cent’s $500 million Vitamin Water deal).
4. Weed jokes. A close relative of #3 and in my humble opinion, the best reason to legalize marijuana. Sure, drug violence at the Mexican border might be reduced and it makes little sense to criminalize marijuana at this point, but all I care about is destroying weed based stand up comedy. I remember when I started comedy it felt like any joke about marijuana got huge laughs (I don’t smoke so I don’t make the jokes). But I feel like there may be a little more exhaustion from these jokes because “Where my weed smokers at?” (a double violation/double retiree) don’t seem to rile up crowds as much anymore. The point is smoking marijuana is common place, barely criminalized anymore and has been beaten to death by comedians. Let’s move on to heroin material.
5. “Too soon?” I know this one will be tough for a lot of people to let go so I will make a deal. “Too soon” still gets some laughs when properly applied (Gary Gulman’s bit about a gunpowder Abe Lincoln scratch n sniff sticker comes to mind), but I would estimate, based on absolutely no scientific data other than my gut instinct, that 90% of jokes that end with a”too soon?” tag are actually written with the too soon in mind. So instead of relying on the strength of the joke, the so-so joke is in place to facilitate a “too soon.” Too late “too soon!” This is your pink slip.
6. “Interweb(s)” I believe I first heard this in an early George W. Bush parody, but I could be wrong. But not much has gone from new to hack quicker. It was funny once upon a time. We no longer live in that world, so let’s stop saying it.
7. Male vs. Female Funny Debate. I have engaged this topic with nuanced vigor to no avail. So I am here to say that I will finally admit that men and women are equally funny and equally capable of being funny. In exchange for this admission on my part I would just like all the people who have always supported this idea to admit that there is not a shred of tangible evidence proving the veracity of this statement. Great! So I guess we can stick a fork in this one.
8. Instruments, Puppets & Beards – The Unholy Trinity of Props. If you play an instrument or play with puppets as the centerpiece or sole focus of your stand-up comedy then you are not a stand up comedian and should perform at middle schools and theaters, but not at stand up comedy clubs. And thanks to Zach Galifianakis, the beard has become a new prop in stand up comedy. I do not know if lumberjacking (working title for a porn) is still a thriving profession in America or if The Lorax’ hard work paid off, but stand up comedy has shot way past it in terms of becoming the most facial hairy profession. Now a beard, unlike instruments and puppets does not disqualify a comedian. However, in a profession that is a safe haven (or used to be) for free speech, the proliferation of facial hair is telling. Beards and mustaches are often considered hallmarks of someone with something to hide. But if comedy is supposed to be raw honesty, then all these bearded folks must have something to hide, possibly something besides a lack of punchlines. Get the Gillette and get to writing!
9. The “clubs and colleges” intro. Even when true this intro no longer sounds honest, especially when the emcee has just done it for 7 consecutive anonymous comedians. Instead use one of two options – 1) get a credit or 2) be proud of your anonymity – When I did open mics at a taco restaurant named Maui Taco I had myself introduced a few times as “You may have seen this guy performing in the basement of a taco restaurant.” And then when I had performed at clubs and a college I was angry at being introduced as “clubs and colleges.” I had earned that one college and it was being diluted by a false quantity of between one and infinity number of colleges. Next time up I was introduced as “clubs and a college.” These are just some of your options, but let’s ditch the “clubs and colleges” for good.
10. Stand Up Comedy Classes. I understand that times are tough and that some veteran comedians can offer some good advice on crafting material and (more importantly in my opinion) ways to guide a fledgling career. But funny cannot really be taught. It is a cliche, but worth repeating. So if you are a young comedian and you are looking for guidance on approaching a career or work-shopping material, perhaps you can find value in a class. But for every legit one there are scores of frauds so I would throw the legit baby out with the illegitimate bath water of stand up comedy classes.
OK – there it is. I look forward to many of these things being inducted into the Comedy Hall of Shame in five years when they become eligible after retirement.
Be sure to become a fan of Righteous Prick: The Official Blog and Podcast of J-L Cauvin on Facebook for weekly podcasts and writings on comedy and culture – mostly in complaint or debate form.
Last Sunday night I watched a great episode of Breaking Bad, the best show on television by a mile and a show that is only looking up at Six Feet Under in my all-time drama rankings. But thanks to Twitter, Facebook, E-mail and Adult Friend Finder my television viewing has become a high wire act to avoid both spoilers and requests for immediate analysis at 11:05 pm every Sunday. This Sunday’s episode was particularly bad because a fairly major event occurred, but because I was 11 minutes behind on my DVR I was treated to an alert on Twitter that spoiled the ending (Yes, I know the solution is to avoid Twitter, but I was not checking it. It was when I went to look at something else on my computer that the message was up on my screen. The person deleted the tweet which was a good idea because I went looking for the tweet so I could publicly shame them). So, in keeping with this blog’s love of Breaking Bad, as well as its beloved condescending and angry tone, here are my tips/requests of people who ruin Breaking Bad:
1) You must wait at least 48 hours before revealing significant plot points. Sunday night has become television’s most packed night. Perhaps you are still cleaning off your vibrator of bad taste and loneliness from an episode of True Blood or enjoying Aaron Sorkin’s Newsroom, the only thing liberals refuse to abort, despite the fact that it endangers the health of the viewer, but Breaking Bad belongs on the level with The Sopranos, Six Feet Under and The Wire (no, Mad Men you may not join this party you pretentious B+ of a show posing as an A+) as Sunday’s greatest achievements (Church and NFL are already in the Sunday Hall of Fame). But folks, the DVR has been invented! So people are not watching all their shows from 10:01-11:04, but may start it at 10:15, 10:30 or even the next day! Granted, if you are a true Breaking Bad fan only military service or the birth of a male child should prevent you from watching it the night it airs, but unless you start at 10:11 pm with flawless fast forwarding skills you will be seconds or even minutes behind the real time viewing. If you feel compelled to comment on the show (instead of staring blankly at the screen for hours, the way I did after the final two episodes of Season 3 of Breaking Bad) here are examples of acceptable and unacceptable social media posts:
ACCEPTABLE – “Tough/Sad/Great Breaking Bad tonight””
UNACCEPTABLE – “RIP ——–(enter name of character)”
Now I believe RIP messages on Twitter and Facebook are usually inappropriate, but reasonable people can differ on that (you are still wrong if you disagree with me). However, RIP messages for fictional characters that ruin plot points for others can not be acceptable in a civilized society. And this says nothing for people in later time zones who are also victims of these Breaking Bad social media terrorists. Admittedly I have done this on shows like American Idol, but I have no respect for fellow viewers of American Idol. Breaking Bad viewers deserve more respect.
And as a follow up to this – if someone is good enough to post an acceptable message, you should not then retweet or comment with information that spoils what the original poster was not revealing. You are a bad person if you do this because you are both spoiling the show and hijacking someone else’s status update for your own evil agenda.
So I think 48 hours is a good amount of time before openly revealing plot points. Please abide by this out of respect for people who watch television’s best show. Or you shall be dealt with like Gus Fring dealt with the cartel in season 4:
2) Please Do Not Ask Me For Instant Analysis. As part of the social media culture we are in a race to declare, opine or explore everything instantaneously. I am usually bombarded with emails within 30 minutes of the conclusion of a good episode. I am still wiping the lotion off of my nether regions thirty minutes after a good episode of Breaking Bad, so what makes you think I want to immediately get on my computer, AKA porn machine, if I am already spent? Besides, Breaking Bad episodes, the truly powerful ones (which is all of them, including The Fly episode – shut up haters!), are meant to linger in your mind and soul and make you question all that is good and bad in the world (or am I taking it too seriously?), so let those thoughts and feelings marinate. That is why it is called water cooler conversation – because you should wait until mid-morning on Monday to discuss it. In other words, if enticed to ask questions either go to sleep or follow Walter White’s advice:
3) Do Not Live Tweet Episodes of Breaking Bad. I know AMC has all sorts of “two screen experience,” promotions but dammit, just watch the show. This is simply a respect issue. Like people who play fantasy football and then ruin your experience because they are rooting in your face for a back up running back against your team, simply because their Dungeons and Dragons league is at stake, live tweeters are ruining the show for themselves and you. Like taking your hat off indoors or holding a door for a woman who is not starting at her iPhone, this should be a time-honored part of proper, mannerly behavior. I think computers should be rigged to react like Tio Salamanca’s wheelchair here for anyone who live tweets Breaking Bad:
That is it people – really easy steps to making the final 9 episodes of Breaking Bad more enjoyable for everyone. And sorry if this post spoiled season 3 or 4 for you, but what the fu*k have you been waiting for? If you read this blog and have not watched Breaking Bad until now and are not at least caught up through Season 4 then it is your own fault. Bitch.
Like many comedians I have YouTube channels (2), a weekly podcast (soon to be 2), two television credits (1 ancient, 1 sort of irrelevant), a slick website, Twitter accounts (3), a decently read blog (according to Google analytics it is by far the most popular thing I do), albums (3), and a gimmick I have been working hard to put together with some other like minded individuals known as Comedians at Law (think Blue Collar Comedy Tour with law degrees, debt and a half-black guy). I have had some blogs posted on the Huffington Post, which occasionally gets me well-read and roundly criticized by a variety of vegan losers – like YouTube commenters without the courage to use slurs.
So of course the question sort of asks itself – a question I have been pondering for the last year – short of a time machine to make me younger and less formed as a thinker and comedian, what is the next step for me as a comedian?
So the things I have been told is I need to start auditioning for stuff (which of course has nothing to do with making me a better comedian, just a more employable one). I did take an acting class for a year. But short of a remake of the Green Mile called The Beige Green Mile (and only if The Rock turns down the part) I feel like I would have a career of “Bouncer 6”, “Bodyguard 3” and “Guy on Hoops bench” (real life training for that). Of course every thirty years or so one abnormally tall comedic actor is given a golden opportunity – Fred Gwynn begot Brad Garrett, so maybe in 2029 I will be cast in some sitcom or lose it to Gary Gulman.
But acting feels so exhausting an endeavor to start when I have had my guts kicked in (with increasing frequency given the trajectory of stand up comedy, which sort of resembes that of climate change) by stand up comedy. “Hey, comedy was so fun that I would like to start an equally challenging form of entetainment from the bottom floor!”
And there is an interesting Catch 22 – I actually have fans. Doing stand up since mid 2003 and travelling the road with fair frequency since 2008 has helped me compile a small, but extremely loyal following. Now there are probably only 25-30 of them (if I discount friends around the country that have routinely brought people out and given me couches to sleep on). This is not even enough to field a football team, let alone build a fan base that will get me noticed. The easy thing, that I have seen other comedians do with some success, is to do the same set – a greatest hits fixed in stone – until someone takes notice or you just become some iritating road hack that younger opening comics resent and mock behind your back. But how can I reasonably expect fans to keep coming back to the same clubs to see me do the same shtick? For headliners they have already arrived to a certain extent, but for a feature it becomes a tricky balance of establishing yourself with your A+ material, while trying to keep the fans that may help propel you to headliner status, with fresh material that may be A- or B+ material on its way to an A.
So that is the dilemma – in an era where the comedy consumer is king and all the social media gurus tell you to engage your fans, where is the sweet spot where you can keep your loyal fans engaged, while also showcasing your best stuff for newcomers? Obviously the answer is to keep writing great material, but unless you are Chris Rock writing Bring The Pain, not every bit will be an A+.
In a year (2012) when I was not securing the rate of bookings as I did in the last three years I decided to release my CD for a month for free. People could download it for free with the hopes they would give it a positive rating (or any rating) on iTunes. It was downloaded 900 times and I got 65 reviews (Hey 835 people, what gives?). I also gained a few radio spots and a handful of engaged fans. But if a six month project that was of really good quality (fu*k false humility), in both content and production value, can only yield 5 engaged fans, what else is there? I could not get it reviewed by any mainstream comedy sites, presumably because I am not on “Comedy Central’s Comics Whose Taints You Should Lick” list, so like Blanche DuBois I have to rely on the kindness of strangers. Plus, the increasingly difficult path to getting consistent feature work increases the likelihood of losing those fans.
I guess the real answer for the many comedians who are not young enough to be “fresh” and malleable to whatever their managers see for them is that there are only a few options for a stand up path. Become famous for anything and you will be qualified to headline. Do it as a hobby, which contrary to my wishes, desires and efforts appears to be what I am currently doing. And the last option is quit. Is there any other art form that places this pressure on a performer? If you can sing or play an instrument, all you have to be is good enough at that to make it. Sure you may have to look a certain way for certain genres, but no one is requiring them to succeed in some other art or want to pursue another art in order to be allowed to work at their art of choice. No one asked Daniel Day Lewis if he could also do def poetry and no one asked Adele if she saw herself more as a television or film actress.
So all I can say is if you are a fan of what I do, convince one other person to check out something I do (stand up being preferred, but hell the movie reviews or the podcast are ok too). Then I will tell them the same thing in a year when I am sneaking in a blog post during my lunch hour at whatever job I am working. Your compliments and support and money spent on shows are all greatly appreciated. But until my 30 fans can be rewarded by seeing their discovery become a star (or at least big enough to only get hotels and never a semen stained comedy condo)… Comedy as hobby, here I come!
A couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog called “The Death of Stand Up Comedy” (https://jlcauvin.com/?p=4382). Well apparently I was wrong because comedy woke up and beat the sh*t out of me in the last 6 days. So maybe comedy is a zombie – sort of dead, but still able to inflict pain and humiliation.
Last Friday night I worked a room in Connecticut. It was in the back of a restaurant opening for a ventriloquist. And that was the highlight. Upon arriving back in New York City around 1:30 am I went to a bar near Grand Central Station to have a beer. About halfway through my beer I felt a rub against my leg. It was a seductive touch that immediately piqued my interest and seemed exactly like what the doctor ordered after closing my window of hope by opening for a ventriloquist. Here’s a picture:
This slut tried to pick me up at a bar.
That is right – a dog was getting awfully frisky with me at the bar. Perhaps it was my animal magnetism, or the peanut butter I use to wash my genitals or he just confused me for a tree to urinate on. Any of these would have been palatable alternatives to the truth. The truth was that the dog’s 80 year old owner was about to begin courting the young, depressed buck known as Righteous Prick. That is right, the gay dog slut was only playing wingman to Cruella DeVille. She just sat next to me and kept asking me questions, including where I lived. Naturally, when she went outside to let her dog urinate (at least the urine it had not already left on the bar room floor – what a sloppy drunk) I asked the bartender what her deal was.
Bartender: She is rich.
JL: Really?
Bartender: Big time.
JL: Do you have any date rape drugs?
Bartender: For her?
JL: No, for me.
Fortunately, my better angels won out and I went home alone, but I hope my moderate kindness got me into her will. Though asking people at the bar if they saw her also, to make sure I was not seeing dead people, could have been interpreted as insulting.
Then after the weekend I headed to New Orleans to perform for the Conference of State Bank Supervisors. The show was exactly as exciting as it sounded. It was myself and two other members of Comedians at Law performing down there and we made a pact after the gig that our next gig should be for 9/11 widows because we need a more feel good show to participate in to pick up our spirits. I already wrote the gig up for the Comedians at Law site so enjoy it here – http://comediansatlaw.com/2012/08/01/well-alright-comedians-at-law-go-to-the-big-easy-the-hard-way/
If any comedians want the short story and a tip to walk away with from the New Orleans gig it is that when the organizer of an event greets the three comedians after the show with, “Well… alright,” then something has gone horribly wrong.
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