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Binge Watching Shows Is Destroying America

This weekend the third season of House of Cards went up on Netflix (subscribe to my podcast here for tomorrow’s debate/discussion over the show) and like many Americans I went to extreme lengths to finish the series before work on Monday.  Positioned in my favorite chair (dubbed by former podcast guest Brian McGuinness as the “Throne of Hate”), wearing XXL Depends to limit bathroom breaks, armed with various snacks and with numbers for diners and my Seamless account logged in for quick orders of food I was prepared to marinate in Kevin Spacey’s atrocious accent, as well as my own filth.  But feasting on multiple rounds of diner food and burgers over two days could not match the emotional disgust I felt after watching 13 hours of one television show in two days.  By early afternoon on Sunday when I was done I felt like I needed to introduce myself to my neighbors like a convicted sex offender I felt so morally bankrupt.

Just like CNN reporting on Lindsey Lohan or Kim Kardashian, binge watching is another example of society and media giving us what we seemingly want, while having no regard for what is in our best interests.   And perhaps with no addiction to anything conventional like alcohol or drugs, services like Netflix and Amazon Prime have tapped into the most destructive of all addictions that plague many Americans: sitting on your ass doing nothing.  And just like the gun control debate, only more important, something needs to be done about the easy access to entire seasons of shows before we destroy our nation.

Now there are times when a Netflix or Prime binge can feel less dirty, even at times like a noble endeavor.  People catching up on Breaking Bad, which was exceptional and one of the driving forces in linking binge watching and popularizing shows, was like our generation’s Neil Armstrong on the Moon moment.  No longer did missing a show leave you out of the cool kids’ table.  Netflix allowed people to catch up on the show in anticipation of upcoming seasons and then, in many cases, provide the late comers with the confidence to act like they were the first to discover the show.  These Christopher Columbus-like frauds should have been the first warning sign that binge watching might have an ugly side.  But I, like many, ignored it.  I mean during two weeks off from work in February I managed to devour 9 seasons of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and then began proselytizing about it like a born again Christian.   Granted each season was only, on average 3.5 hours of actual viewing, but I managed to catch up to the current season and had a strange and pathetic sense of accomplishment.  But this is just another step on the slippery road of binge watching hell.

The binge watching phenomenon to catch up to shows would have been bad enough, but once Netflix, and shortly thereafter Amazon discovered that people liked binge watching old shows/seasons a new depth of depravity was formed.  Because what is better than binge watching old shows?  Introducing new shows that could be binged of course.  The feeding of America’s television gluttony became a step too far.  It was like a restaurant saying – hey all of our customers enjoy our chocolate frosting cake, so now, for dessert we will offer them a 4 pound bowl of frosting for them to eat with their hands.  Sure that sounds amazing as I sip a soy protein smoothie this morning trying to purge the House of Cards weekend of trans fat from my system, but it is too much.  In addition to augmenting the grossness of an already sedentary and obese nation, it is not even a good way to watch television.  I love the show Alpha House on Amazon Prime.  Ten 30 minute episodes per season it goes by in a breeze (and is a far superior show to House of Cards for any political junkies reading this).  It is a good comedy and I barely remember any of it.  That is because each time the seasons went up (there have been two) I have been able to crush them in a single weekend (and still make it outside to breathe fresh air and have unhealthy food picked up by me instead of delivered).  But that then leaves 50-60 weeks in between viewings during which time the show’s details both humorous and plot related are squeezed from memory.  Most likely to make room for 6-12 other shows that have been binge watched.

House of Cards suffers the same sort of fate as do many of these shows.  Instead of racing to catch up and join a discussion – at least an idea tangentially related to joining a community, it becomes a race to finish the season as if it were a contest and not entertainment (I am fully hiding behind “I needed to be done for my podcast” as my excuse).  The irony of racing through streaming television diminishing our actual ability to run a race is not lost on me.  So in an effort to make myself a healthier individual and more appreciative of entertainment I have already cancelled my Netflix account (at least for a couple of months).  So I have it through March 5th. Which is just enough time to finish the remaining 8 episodes of the Starz’ violent video game/gay porn-posing-as-a-television series Spartacus.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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NBA Fashion: It’s FANTASTIC(ly Bad)

The NBA locker room was the most flamboyant place I’d ever been. Guys flaunted their perfect bodies. They bragged about sexual exploits. They primped in front of the mirror, applying cologne and hair gel by the bucketful. They tried on each other’s $10,000 suits, admired each other’s rings and necklaces. It was an intense camaraderie that felt completely natural to them. Surveying the room, I couldn’t help chuckling to myself: And I’m the gay one. – John Amechi

The above quote is from a former NBA journeyman center and the first NBA player to come out publicly as gay a little under a decade ago (after his career was over).  This blog post will not be about gay athletes, but I did think it tangentially highlights the absurdity of what I am writing about today.  The NBA had a fashion show this weekend as part of their All Star Weekend festivities (I did not watch). And with the All Stars of the NBA in NYC, there were several ads in the newspaper featuring prominent NBA stars doing appearances at places like Bloomingdale’s (James Harden) and Ermenegildo Zegna (Carmelo Anthony) to name a couple.  Over the last decade the media has increased its love affair with NBA players showing an interest in fashion like it makes them modern day Bill Bradleys.  My question is, when did fashion stop being the hallmark of one-dimensional stupid people?  I mean at least Modern Family gets it right that the dumb daughter is more of an idiot savant when it comes to fashion, instead of it being one impressive arrow in her quiver of diverse talents.

Disclaimer – I am not “fashionable.”  I wear a lot of sweatshirts and flannel.  My sneakers are usually New Balance.  I have close to a dozen Jos. A Bank suits, which if you have seen their commercials mean I only actually paid for half a suit and got 11.5 free.  But something has shifted.  When did fashion become a real pursuit outside of dumb chicks and gay men?  I am obviously being flippant on purpose to make a point.  Of course I know what it looks like when someone is wearing a great suit (I own mirrors) and I am aware when a woman is wearing something great or awful on the Oscars red carpet.  But fashion in general, and more specifically with athletes, has begun to feel like a modern day version of the Emperor’s New Clothes.

NBA players are more concerned than ever with their “brand.”  I preferred the 1980s and 1990s when only Michael Jordan had a brand because he was the best and a villain to all the other fan bases in the NBA.  Everyone else was about their team, had a modest shoe deal and would not be afraid to punch and tackle a friend on another team.  Larry Bird was not interested in showing the world how diverse a man he was because he was too busy practicing his jumper and icing his back.  Charles Barkley was not holding his tongue and wearing rimless glasses and a fedora at press conferences.  John Stockton showed up wearing polo shirts and khakis as if he were modeling Calvin Klein’s new “Middle School Math Teacher Couture.”  Scottie Pippen rolled in a long black leather coat like he was Shaft, not Zoolander!  The point is these guys might have had other interests, but they had no need to pretend to be a hundred different things for a social media hungry world.  They were well paid basketball players and that is what they did.

But now with shoe deals paying more than team salaries, players who are more immersed in social media approval (and probably a more insecure bunch) and team-to-team bro hugs being part of the ritual of the NBA, playing basketball is not enough for some of these cats.  So when you have super rich men who have focused so much of their lives perfecting, to quote Liam Neeson, a particular set of skills, to the exclusion of other interests, what is an easy way to make them look diversified?

“Fashion.”

Of course, fashion houses benefit – who wouldn’t want giant, athletic, human billboards walking around in their suits or clothing?  And maybe you can make some of these wealthy young men investors since they have more cash to spend than they know what to do with and it sure beats accruing gambling debts like Antoine Walker.  But along the way of Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant rocking slick and classy suits we veered into full on Emperor’s New Clothes.  Along the way someone was supposed to tell Dwyane Wade or Russell Westbrook to cut the shit.  But no one did because they are the meal ticket and they have an odd mixture of supreme self confidence given their fame and skills, but also a need to be taken seriously beyond basketball.  I think that need to appear “more than just a basketball player” is a big need in this day and age of media diversity.  If 50 Cent can be a Vitamin Water mogul then why can’t NBA players be “fashion icons?”  Because not every NBA player can be a Shane Battier or even a Shaquille O’Neal.  So the quickest way to appear to have taste, class, diverse interests AND people kiss your ass is to become immersed in the fashion world.

I will admit, I am no risk taker when it comes to clothing.  And occasionally I can admire someone taking a risk and pulling it off.  But I have always said a woman (and most men) wearing a fedora is an idiot no matter how hot she is.  And some of these “bold fashion choices” by NBA athletes are moronic, no matter how athletic and rich they are.  So come on NBA, maybe next All Star game let’s have a showcase of some extracurricular talents (musical, artistic, educational, etc.) of NBA players to showcase the real diversity of interests in the league instead of a parade of bullshit that really just looks stupid.  And in the spirit of Jon Amechi’s quote at the beginning of this blog post, perhaps have R. Kelly sing “Down  Low” during the next fashion show if you decide to keep it.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Who Might, Should and Will Replace Jon Stewart

Yesterday at the end of The Daily Show taping, Jon Stewart, host of the popular and critically acclaimed “fake news” show for 17 years, announced that he will be leaving the show sometime in 2015 (I think –  his announcement was not really that clear or definitive).  But as soon as he announced that he was leaving (perhaps back-to-back losses at the Emmys to Stephen Colbert had finally taken its toll) the Internet was abuzz with who should replace him with irritating ferocity.  Having correctly predicted who would take over for David Letterman I think it is only right to the Internet and my dozen readers that I offer my one of a kind, in depth analysis of who might and who will take over for Stewart.  It is important to keep a few things in mind.  First, Jon Stewart was an accomplished stand up comedian with a lot of TV hosting experience in his youth (an MTV show, a guest host for Tom Snyder after Letterman and he was even the guest host threatening to take over for Larry Sanders on HBO’s terrific The Larry Sanders Show).  Second, the Internet is going to want a woman and/or person of color and will be prepared to set fire to the world if it is another white man.  Third, not withstanding the aforementioned desire of the blogosphere, America has a demonstrable preference to receive their comedy and news, either separately or together, from men.  So with those factors now in the open, it is time for my list:

Bruce Jenner (Name TBD) – What says change and new era of late night than choosing someone who is literally transitioning from a white man to a woman?  He has great name recognition, is used to celebrities and the spotlight and can speak intelligently on sports, entertainment and transgender issues.  It is a long shot, but Jenner’s selection could bring together traditionalists like myself and the far left progressives.

 

Chris Hardwick – I have sometimes criticized Hardwick’s ubiquitous presence on networks I watch, but my mind was really changed after seeing him on Bill Maher. The guy is sharp and quick though he can sometimes look super tired, a side effect from having almost as many shows as Ryan  Seacrest.  He has experience hosting, is already part of the network and is someone who has mastered social media and has good numbers with key demographics.  An added bonus is that he could then host a show each night at 12:30 recapping his two shows from 11pm and midnight.

Craig Kilborn – The greatest Sports Center anchor of all time and the original father of The Daily Show.  Isn’t it time that the industry gave him another chance?  What’s that?  The show sucked under him?  Well I did go to a taping of it when I was a young buck so it couldn’t have been that bad.

Amy Poehler – The Internet’s favorite choice of the last 16 hours.  Poehler is pleasant and funny enough to do the show, assuming she has a host of male writers behind the scenes.  However, will she be allowed to co-host with Tina Fey every show?  And if your instinctive response to that last question was to say “That would be EVERYTHING” please swallow a shotgun. Ii really hate that phrase.

 

Justin Timberlake – Sure we have no indication that he can do anything but sing on songs dominated by more talented producers, act poorly and play board games with Jimmy Fallon, but if Fallon is willing to separate from his brother from another mother the name recognition would be huge ratings, at least for a few weeks.  I am sure a vote of confidence from Fallon would at least help JT get his name in the conversation.

Rick Sanchez – You may be asking… who???   Well Rick Sanchez was the exuberant and largely terrible afternoon news anchor on CNN often mocked by Stewart.  Well, what better revenge than to host Stewart’s show.  Sanchez is Cuban, satisfying the no-more-white males-on-Late Night bloggers and he also has experience as a TV host.  But most importantly he is a visionary, obsessed with Twitter and social media interaction for his show far before other people were.  And he knows the news and is not afraid to share opinions about it… even when supposed to be an objective news anchor.

 

Ryan Seacrest – What’s one more show for this robot?

Neil DeGrasse Tyson – He now has a late night show starting on the Nat Geo channel, but perhaps he could handle a show with more than 480 potential fans.  I sort of want him to be picked because it is time he learned that he is only funny for an astrophysicist.  An embarrassing short run on The Daily Show might raise the platform for science (a good thing) and also humble all the people who call him “cool” when he is a failure at a funny show.  Then his fans will be forced to call him “cool… for an astrophysicist” which is how he should be known.

 

Beyonce – Is there anything she cannot do?  Well let’s find out!  She is stunning, talented and a black woman.  Even if she is not funny that is irrelevant when she hits all key categories for the no-more-white-males-on-Late Night. If she is funny then it is a bonus.  But most importantly, she is the only selection that will not receive an angry visit from Kanye West.

 

Al Madrigal – A Daily Show correspondent, an experienced comedian and Latino.  However, with Larry Wilmore on at 11:30 is Comedy Central willing to deliver all of 11pm-midnight to “people of color”?!  Being not well known enough may be a weakness, but it may also play as a strength, allowing him to make the show his own.  And his lack of a vagina would satisfy traditionalists like me.  (Repeat this for Wyatt Cenac except replace “Latino” with “black”)

Jason Jones – He has not been nearly as big a presence on the show as in past years (though admittedly I do not watch nearly as often as I used to) but I have always found him to be the funniest correspondent by far since Ed Helms/Colbert/Carrel era.  He also looks like a more goy-ish Jon Stewart which could retain the current audience, but also potentially bring in Anti-Semites who were hesitant to support Jon Stewart on the basis of his Judaism (while oddly still being politically left – admittedly this Venn Diagram cross section demographic is probably very small).  I think if the job does not go to a big name then it will be Jones.

 

P.S. I am also available for the job.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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How Joel Osteen Became a Mega Church Superstar Revealed…

Joel Osteen is one of the most successful televangelists in America, preaching from his 20,000 person Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas.  He preaches his prosperity gospel to sold out arenas around the world, but how did a man discussing the teachings of the Bible and Jesus Christ become as rich and successful as Osteen?  Well, in this video, exclusive to JLCauvin.com shows a sermon in the late 1990s, when Osteen, frustrated with low church attendance began to offer some different lessons.  Here it is for your viewing pleasure/salvation:

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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The Righteous Prick’s Best Stuff of 2014

The last few years I have posted my ten favorite things of the year at the end of the year like a bitter, broke Oprah. Instead this year I will just share a couple of things off of the top of my head that made my year that I think you might enjoy (and then when the calendar turns to 2015 I will be back to criticizing and complaining about things).

Favorite Book I read this year – The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander. The book came out a couple of years ago, but in its paperback life is when it became a bit of a phenomenon.  An extremely important read and could not be more relevant to 2014.

Favorite Movie of 2014 – wait for the J-L Movie Life Awards Episode tomorrow. Subscribe here (in the running – Whiplash, Birdman, Guardians of the Galaxy, Selma, John Wick… yes John Wick)

Favorite TV Show of 2014 – Fargo

Favorite Album of 2014 – I don’t buy many full albums anymore so it was between Beyonce’s secret album, U2’s free album or my friend’s band’s (they do the music for my podcast) new album. So naturally, because it has the most plays of the three on my iPod, I am going with Batsu by The Big Sexy (get it here or at least buy One Too Many Bottles, since it is my favorite single and a great homage to Guns N Roses-esque rock)

Favorite Thing I Did in 2014 – no brainer – Louis CK’s Comedy Academy web series

Thing that made me laugh the hardest in 2014. Also a no brainer:

Happy New Year everyone. Complain to you in 2015

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Top 10 Righteous Prick Podcasts of 2014

On this Christmas Eve I continue a yearly tradition by providing you with the top 10 Righteous Prick Podcast episodes of the year.  If you are a loyal listener then simply bask in the memory of these 10 gems, but if you are a part time listener or a recent convert to the podcast then this list should provide you with some great listening entertainment over the holidays and (hopefully) motivation to subscribe on iTunes.  The topics range from music to sports to racism and of course stand up comedy.  This year I had my most listens/downloads of the three years I have been doing the podcast, so for all the pessimism there is reason to be optimistic going forward into year 4.  So without further adieu, after painstaking deliberations by a committee of me, here are the top 10 episodes of 2014:

 

10. Trading Places with Magic Johnson and the Ferguson Aftermath – This episode was a solo episode recorded while I watched the riots in Ferguson, Missouri.  It was a very funny, somewhat manic steam of consciousness episode of me lamenting my comedy career while simultaneously lamenting the situation in Ferguson.  Listen here

9. The Big Sexy – In a rare, straightforward interview episode, I had a fun chat with the band that provides my podcast theme music.  The episode was full of humor and sampled three great tracks off of their new album.  Enjoy it here

8. Michael Brown – This was a last minute, almost late posting of my weekly episode where I was not sure what I wanted to talk about, but ended up delivering a solo episode on the Michael Brown shooting that got a lot of good feedback.  Listen to it here

7. Lebron James and Last Comic Sickness with Mark Normand – In what has become a yearly Summer ritual I began this June episode with a defense of Lebron James and then, as part of my Summer 2014 series, I interview the funny and very forthright Mark Normand about his experience on Last Comic Standing.  Check it out here

6. Who Should Replace Letterman w/ JP McDade and Sid Singh  – On the episode I first announce the worst person in comedy contest winner and then have a hilarious discussion on who should and will replace David Letterman on The Late Show (spoiler – I nailed it).  Listen here

5. The True Detective Debate and Duke Porn Star Sequel – This was a double episode. The first part was a follow up to a discussion about Belle Knox, the “Duke Porn Star” (I was sick on the first episode, which did get a lot of downloads, but history and my health have proven this is the episode to show to demonstrate how right I was about Ms. Knox.  The second part of the episode is my critique/debate over True Detective, featuring my kick-ass Rust Cohle impression.  Settle in for a good one here

4. Comedy Life Coach (Ep. 136) with Josh Homer – The guest who averages by far the most listens is Josh Homer.  Among his several appearances this year this was the best as we talk comedy and he tries to give me advice going forward in 2014. Get schooled here

3. Futbol Fad or Soccer to Stay with Alexis Geuerreros and Steve Serra – Some listeners may be surprised to find this episode so high, but there was no episode I had more fun on all year.  A lively and hilarious discussion about soccer/futbol and the World Cup.  Laugh along with me here

2. The Case Against Anthony Cumia and Comedy with Cleveland Improv Manager Lee Herlands – A double episode where either half would have made the top 10. First I discuss the controversial radio host Anthony Cumia and in the second half I have a hilarious and insightful discussion with Cleveland Improv Manager Lee Herlands.  Enjoy it here

and… in my mind a complete no brainer for the best episode of the year, and probably of the three years I’ve had the podcast:

1. Comedy Scar Tissue with Mike Payne –  I genuinely believe this is the best episode I have ever done.  It was my most downloaded episode of the year for a reason.  Two comics laughing and lamenting the psychological rewards and costs of pursuing and quitting comedy. Listen here

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Weekend Comedy Recap: The Town Greyhound Bus Forgot

This weekend marked the last scheduled comedy work of the year for me (and technically the last scheduled work of my life if you check the barren wasteland that is the calendar page of my website, but I am mildly confident it will not stay that way) and it was a classic J-L gig full of positives, negatives and sad transportation.  The trip began with Martz Trailways – the Monkees to Greyhound’s Beatles.  The shows were at Mohegan Sun in Wilkes Barre, PA.  The first thing to mention is that the casino is really nice.  It is how small casinos should do it – make your casino a smaller site of luxury instead of making a big, cheap, shitty casino.  People would rather have a small dose of a luxury hotel with nice restaurants, bars and table games then some behemoth of slot machines and crappy buffets (the buffet at MSWB by contrast  is quite good).  But before I can get to the casino I had to take the aforementioned Martz Trailways.

There are a few signs that your town or city is struggling.  One is if there is an Ebola breakout.  Another is if the girls who reside there are routinely beaten for attending school. But a worse sign than either of those is if Greyhound buses choose not to service your town or city.  And Greyhound does not go to Wilkes Barre.  So when one arrives at the bus depot at Wilkes Barre it sort of resembles a group of overfed walkers from The Walking Dead.  After a relatively pleasant three hour bus ride (as pleasant as I can be with my knees firmly lodged into the encroaching seat in front of me I arrived and waited for the local bus to arrive.

You guys going to NYC or Scranton?

Pulling up to a nice casino on a public bus is probably exactly how the Rat Pack did it in Las Vegas, so naturally I felt like a real big shot when I stepped inside the Mohegan Sun.

Dean? Frank? Sammy? You guys there?

The first night the show was tremendous though I had a moment that made me feel really guilty.  One of my jokes that I recently wrote, based on an actual encounter at a Panera Bread in October of this year, is about a confrontation between an older man and a young woman.  I described the man as a “Clint Eastwood type who had the look of a man who had killed a bunch of teenagers in some foreign village.”  It got a decent laugh, though that is not one of the big laugh lines in the bit anyway.  But coming off stage (to tremendous applause #Blessed) a man in a motorized scooter stopped me and said “You were very good, but we didn’t go over there to kill kids. That wasn’t right.”  And for one of the few times in over 11 years of doing comedy I felt really bad.  Obviously I did not mean the reference as an indictment of veterans, but of course the imagery would be graphic to someone who actually had been in Vietnam.

So I was feeling bad waiting outside to sell CDs after the show (sold 3 #ComedyMogul) and I saw the man drive his scooter (is that how you describe that?) to the bathroom and then he just got off it and walked with relative ease to the bathroom!  Knowing that he could walk made me feel less bad about the joke for some reason so the night ended on a high note and I celebrated with a large chocolate milkshake (#ComedyMogul).

The next day I spent in my room writing two of my best sketches ever.  Look for the first one on December 16th (a novel look at the violence affecting black men in America) and the other one in early January (me as Joel Osteen).  I will leave it at that, but I have missed the days of being able to just sit and write for 5 or 6 hours in a row.  I can really crank out good shit when left alone by people trying to get me to pay my bills.

The Saturday show was very good and I sold one CD after which I promptly used to buy a large chocolate milkshake ($4 change left over #ComedyMogul).  The club paid me in cash, which given my love of gambling was dangerous, but for the second trip to MSWB in a row I avoided all gambling. After all, trying to make stand up comedy a career is a much bigger gamble than anything you can put on the roulette wheel.

The next morning woke up early and went to the Wilkes Barre station which at 645 am is fortunately cleared of walkers.

All is quiet on the Wilkes Barre front

So there it is folks. Another year of stand up and travel is over.  Now it is time to get into the office and help some real #moguls make money so I can continue my #ComedyMogul lifestyle (extra chicken on my lunch salad).

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Comedy and Weight Loss Across America

When life closes one door, another one opens.  This is very true in my life, but generally when one decent door closes , the new door opening is an elevator door opening yielding an empty and fatal elevator shaft.  For the last couple of months I have been struggling to keep up with my free content empire (blogs and sketch videos have suffered the biggest reduction, the podcast has had more solo episodes while movie reviews remain the most consistent) with some very time consuming daytime legal work.  But no need to worry fan (or possibly I am up to fanS plural now), my day job assignment ended two weeks early so while I will start desperately seeking day time work (I receive replies to 5% of my comedy booking emails, but 75% of my legal work emails so at least I get some positive affirmation on top of actual money from pursuing legal work over comedic work) and experiencing financial related stress I will have more time to reaffirm my status as the King of All Unpaid Media.  Today’s contribution is a series of videos from stand up shows this year that will showcase some solid bits (mostly new from the 2nd half of 2014, or improved if not new bits) and provide an accidental time lapse of some of my weight loss this year.

I considered posting my half hour submission to Comedy Central from the DC Improv, but I would rather keep that product private until I officially don’t get picked. In the unlikely event I get selected then I definitely won’t post it because I think 90% of it would end up being what I would like to showcase on a television taping.  So enjoy this collection of random bits from 2014:

The Fatal Mistake of Quiznos

Dating vs Hooking Up

The Battle of Generations at Panera Bread

The End of Racism and Black Bouncers

The Benefit of Gay Marriage

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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LA Comedy Recap Pt 2: Carolla and Cheesecake

Well I am back in NYC after a great and productive week in Los Angeles.  Last blog I gave a thorough recap of Comics Unleashed (hoping the check arrives in the mail this week) but that was only part of the trip.  The next day I was on The Adam Carolla Show for the third time in 2014, which is coincidentally how many times I ate dinner at the cheesecake factory in the three nights I was in LA (a friend is a waitress there, which mean discounts, #blessed).   The appearance went really well (you can listen here) and only one person on the Facebook post wrote “I hate jl” in the comments section.  Now the Carolla producer is in talks with my management (meaning my hotmail account) to have me on as a call in segment, rebooting an old Adam Carolla segment from his television show.  Normally I would not jinx an opportunity like this but a) it is unpaid and b) it is unpaid so what am I really jinxing by telling you before it airs?  So, hopefully this happens and allows me to continue to grow my fan base through the ACS.  Now I am back to submitting for contract legal work to fill in the large gaps in my comedy calendar.  So while that happens here is a pic of better times of myself, Adam and Matt Achity of Rotten Tomatoes:

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

Sports

My Final Trip to the Derek Jeter Shopping Mall

Last night I went to what I assume will be my final Yankee game of this season (proud to say I have not yet paid for tickets in the new shopping mall known as Yankee Statdium) and witnessed a boring 4-3 loss to the Tampa Rays. On the plus side the weather was nice and it was definitely great to hang out with my extremely busy brother for a night.  Now I must preface the rest of the post that if you love the Yankees and/or Derek Jeter you will dismiss this as more “hating” by me or something close to verbal half-black on half-black crime, but what Yankee Stadium has become, and more specifically the Derek Jeter farewell industry, is disgusting.  I think the Yankees, Jeter and sports memorabilia pimp Brandon Steiner have turned a storied franchise into a shameless cash engine.

Anyone who has been to the new Yankee Stadium has to have noticed the exponential explosion of gift shops and space allocated to gift shops.  After the fifth inning I accompanied my brother to the gift shop for him to look for a trinket for his kids.  I gladly joined him because baseball is extremely boring. What was shocking was that the store was jam packed.  In the middle of a game the store was jam packed like a Black Friday sale was going on. That is when I realized that the new Yankee Stadium feels more like the Mall of America – a bunch of places to spend money, but instead of an amusement park in the center, an overpriced baseball team performs with accomplished mediocrity.  Contrast this with the open and beautiful feel of Citi Field where the game is always visible as you walk around the stadium and feels like the most important thing going on, which is sad since the Mets suck so bad, but at least the stadium’s heart is in the right place.

At the center of the store, and by center I mean 60% of the store were dozens of shirts, hats, trinkets, used condoms and pubic hairs commemmorating Derek Jeter’s final season.  And then in the next store area a few sections over was the Brandon Steiner store with all sorts of manufactured memorabilia commemmorating Jeter’s career.  And all I could think was how shameless and hypocritical this whole charade was.  For a sport that keeps claiming to be based on nostalgia and creating memories and respect for tradition and history it seems that now this stadium only serves to force feed you manufactured memories and memorabilia, which of course negates the organic development of real history and nostalgia.

People will always praise Jeter as one of the guys who plays the game the right way.  However he was either a little jealous of all the fan fare Mariano Rivera got last year, or he saw dollar signs in his eyes like a cartoon villain, so he announced his retirement at the beginning of his final season.  Plus there had to have been a Yankee-Steiner-Jeter agreement to cash in on the tens of millions of additional dollars of merchadise “commemmorating” the occasion.  I always liked the way John Stockton, a first ballot NBA Hall of Famer, retired. He played his final season. Then he talked to his family and team management and announced his retirement.  No whoring. No self-serving farewell tour. No millions of dollars in merchandising.  And of course it is savvy business decision for Jeter (for a man with hundreds of millions of dollars already), but for a guy always hailed as a great ambassador of the game, it comes off as a shameless money grab.

Then there is the aforementioned explosion of intentionally generated memorabilia.  The whole point was that items gained prestige over time from their unforeseen value and/or personal attachment.  Now thanks to our culture and pimps like Brandon Steiner everything can become memorabilia.  Time and experience should determine the value and meaning of game items.  Someone might frame their ticket the last time they saw Mickey Mantle or Ted Williams, but now we have the Stadium and Steiner telling us that the 19 limited edition t-shirts, signed game jerseys that were never worn and 3 hat set with certificate of authenticity (yes this was offered on the big screen last night) are what we really need.  People often said of comedy that you will love it less when it becomes a business to you and that is sort of true to a certain extent.  Well, memorabilia loses most of its cache when you are instructing me what I need to experience sentimental feelings about an experience, instead of letting nostalgia occur naturally.

The there is Jeter the sports business icon.  Like his idol and business partner Michael Jordan, Jeter has always struck me as cold.  Jordan once famously said that “Republicans buy sneakers too” when he declined to endorse a candidate in North Carolina versus the bigoted Senator Jesse Helms.  Jordan operated with two things in mind – winning and Jordan, Inc. But he was so gifted and successful that we all applauded his accomplishments and never expected him to be a decent human being, as long as he was not a criminal.  I feel like the partnership of Jeter as Jordan brand’s #1 athlete endorsement is a perfect fit.  Jeter has never uttered a charismatic word in his life, he is aloof and is not afraid to whore his image of “playing the game the right way guy” into tens of millions of dollars of shameless merchandising.  But he won and that makes everything great, as long as you are not a criminal.  So congrats to the Yankees and Jeter for turning a hallowed space of baseball into a cheap shopping mall.  I just hope when Jeter gives his hook ups memorabilia bags that he doesn’t charge them since they are “Farewell to the Captain” gift bags.  That concludes this week hate session.

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