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Weekend Comedy Recap: Moroccan Restaurant Domination

Last night I was booked on a show at a Moroccan restaurant (little known comedy fact – Kevin Hart, Louis CK and Amy Schumer all got their big breaks at Sunday evening shows at basement Moroccan restaurant shows) and it did not disappoint. I arrived around 7:45pm for the 8pm show and was greeted by an Eastern European 9.7/10 who, surprisingly had never heard of me (she offered me a table, when I was obviously there for comedy, she must not be a fan of Comics Unleashed) or the comedy show (an older woman informed her that the comedy show was inside).  On a side note I was not sure what was sadder, me at this stage of my career or this super attractive young woman working at this restaurant, probably via shipping crate, when she could be attached to a millionaire within 6 months with a little bit of hustle and missed birth control.  The bottom line is we are both way too talented in our respective areas of strength for that Moroccan restaurant.

Well the ambiance was very relaxing, dim lighting, friendly staff and music that sounded alternatively like the the call to prayer in a Muslim country and the ominous music before something bad happens on Tyrant on FX.  I sat in a table in the back waiting for people to show up sitting next to a guy with a huge beard (devout messy, not hipster messy), wearing sunglasses, smoking a hookah and eating a large meal by himself (#LoneWolf).

The booker for the show showed up next and we had a nice laugh at the zero audience members, and I requested that “Although I am a professional failure, please let it be known that I am professional,” given my early arrival.  The last time they had the show it was well attended, which just confirmed my status as Comedy’s version of The Nothing in The Neverending Story.  A couple more comics showed up shortly after 8 and we say and chatted til about 8:40. It was like how comedians sit around at the Comedy Cellar, except none of us had professional opportunities or advice to offer each other, but we also were not in denial about our comedy industry 1% status.

The show was officially cancelled at around 8:40 pm, but that was OK by me, because you can never bomb the sets you don’t do.  Let that be a lesson to any young comedians reading this blog.  Then I walked across Manhattan with comedian Sergio Chicon, discussing all the great things that come with a career in stand up comedy, departing on 2nd avenue for him to catch the bus home and me to drown my comedy sorrows in a chocolate milkshake at Baskin Robbins.  So I finished the night with a non-show only costing me $4.67.  Based on my 12+ years in this business that is definitely one of my more lucrative nights. #Blessed #ComedyMogul

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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When Empowerment and Awareness Go Wrong

One need only turn on the debate of one of America’s two major political parties to know what women do not get a fair shake in our society, STILL, in 2015. I mean if a rich, arrogant man speaks to a beautiful, intelligent woman like Megyn Kelly with contempt and disrespect, what hope is there for a 7 or… gulp… a 5 or below in our culture?  Watching Trump rise in the polls for his brash and insensitive talk about women is almost as disturbing as the other more mainstream GOP candidates talk about women’s issues with 19th century paternalism.  So for all my jokes about women needing empowerment, and all the assorted hashtags that have accompanied it in recent years, it is clear that women’s rights and awareness for their issues is still in a critical phase.  That is why I am using my blog to highlight some of the bored and weird women raising awareness for issues that should be considered 10th tier issues for women who are not bored with their lives and lack of purpose.  Inspired by Dave Chappelle’s “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong” here is “When Empowerment and Awareness Go Wrong:”

The Woman Who Ran a Marathon Without A Tampon

Kiran Gandhi, a 26 year old Harvard Business School grad ran the London Marathon on her Megyn Kelly (http://www NULL.people to raise awareness for women without access to feminine products and to encourage women not to be embarrassed about their periods.  Huh? I get that lack of access to important hygienic products can be important (I would hope she helped raise money for this as well), but period-shaming/empowerment is now a thing requiring an awareness campaign? As Gandhi (not the one who helped free a nation, but the real hero without a tampon) said, “I ran with blood dripping down my legs for sisters who don’t have access to tampons and sisters who, despite cramping and pain, hide it away and pretend like it doesn’t exist.”  I might be part of the primitive part of the culture that thinks a woman with blood seeping from her vagina through her pants is kind of gross, but I have never dated a woman who had a problem telling me (or just demonstrating through poor attitude – AM I RIGHT FELLAS???!) when she was on her period, and frankly is it now “shaming” to not share your bodily excretions with co-workers, acquaintances and strangers?  Well in that case, please join me in your favorite pair of white underwear in NYC next Saturday for “Skidmark Awareness Saturday.”

Breast Feeding As a Constitutional Right

I'M HUNGRY MUMMY! #GameOfThrones

The other story that caught my attention was a breast feeding rally at City Hall and then a subway ride to raise awareness of breast feeding discrimination (http://www NULL.nydailynews NULL.2318829).  I am still getting used to people putting their bare feet on Metro north seats and now I am the new class of bigots that do a double take when a woman pops out a boob to feed her kid?  This is part of what I think should be called the “Bored Moms In Need of a Sense of Meaning” mafia.  There just are not enough selfies and yoga classes in the world to satisfy these ladies so now every thing they do has added weight.  Of course there are times where you must feed your child that are inconvenient, but why should it be the norm that you feed your kid wherever you please if you have a choice or alternative? Farting is natural, but if I do it in an elevator with other people I have the class to blame it on someone else because I was raised with a sense of decorum.  I might be OK with breastfeeding on subways if the woman about to breastfeed yelled out “SHOWTIME PEOPLE!” before doing so, like their break dancing counterparts.  My favorite line in the article is that Representative Carolyn Mahoney said that breastfeeding should be a “Constitutional Right.”  How did the Founding Fathers miss that one?! It is legal in NY, but the women say they still face discrimination and are fired for breast feeding in public.  I would be curious how exactly many firings require a rally – 2? – gay people cannot get an anti-discrimination law passed in Congress, but hopefully both parties can come together to ensure that women no longer get strange looks when they pop out a boob at Chipotle.

I feel like women protesting why their dry cleaning costs more than men’s clothing, for less fabric usually would be more sensible and practical. But I am probably mansplaining or something,

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Man, I Feel Like A Woman: Watching My First Pay Per View MMA Event

No, this blog is not about any pending transitions in my gender identity or the coming out culmination of my last few weeks’ podcast episodes where I have awkwardly commented on the startling good looks of Henry Cavill – oops doing it again. No today I am writing about watching an MMA pay-per-view event for the first time (#UFC190 for those of you archiving this).  I was supposed to go to a bar that plays 80s music Saturday night, in keeping with a tradition with my best friend. Each birthday, or around, we go to a bar, often labeled the douchiest in NYC, to get drunk and listen to 80s music to the wee hours of the morning surrounded by horrible twenty somethings from Murray Hill and New Jersey that we judge like 36 year old Statler and Waldorfs.  But on August 1st my friend broke with a time honored tradition and asked if I wanted to go to the apartment of a friend of his to watch the aforementioned MMA event. I said yes, even though I really wanted to sit and get drunk to Toto or Kim Carnes.

When the event began I finally understood every complaint and dumb question that a woman had ever asked me during a sporting event. An ex girlfriend of mine used to always say during football games that she alternatively “didn’t get” or “hated” when teams handed the ball off for an up the middle run, which more often than not leads to a 2 yard gain. Then begins the explanation of how it is making the defense respect the run and keep everyone on their toes to open up other big plays chances (not to mention the occasional big run up the middle).  Well, in the case of MMA I felt like a dumb chick and that tiny boulder of bro masculinity/marijuana spiritual conversion Joe Rogan playing the alpha male boyfriend explaining all the things that looked like nonsense to actually be technical savvy.  Here is the breakdown of the event from my perspective:

1st Match I Recall: Women Be Punching!

It was between two women. One woman beat the ever loving shit out of the other woman.  And I felt like a racist who claims that he likes women’s hoops more than men’s hoops because there are more fundamentals (code for – I don’t like seeing black men kicking ass), except as the matches continued that night I realized that the women’s match featured a lot more punches than most of the men’s matches.  So thanks to their inferior strength and soft faces, women’s MMA ends up being more exciting.

2nd Match I Recall: A Guy Who Looks Like Shane Battier with a Pituitary Issue Fighting Another Large Guy

This was a match up of Large Dad Bods.  And featured a decent amount of dry humping and spooning, which my MMA announcer boyfriend Joe Rogan repeatedly insisted throughout matches that this was actually really great technique.  I then realized that at 6’7″, 275 lbs I was bigger than both guys fighting and had basically the same 3 pack abs that they did.  So if comedy doesn’t work out (wait, the verdict is already in) then I may just take the emotional beating of the comedy industry and get my mug busted for meager profits.

Bigfoot Silva aka Shane Battier with Potent Glands - every 3rd MMA fighter has the last name Silva

For comparison - a picture of retired NBA player Shane Battier


3rd Match I Recall: Skyscraper vs. a Guy They Insisted was an MMA Legend

Skyscraper was 6’11″ and beat the old legend guy who looked like a grizzled owner of a bodega.  All I kept thinking was, why doesn’t a guy with great coordination who is 6’11″ play basketball. Then I realized, he was white and maybe he is a racist so rather then playing with men of color he gets paid to beat up men of color. It’s a theory.

4th and 5th Matches I Recall: Reality Show Competitions

I was disappointed that these were not the Finalists for America’s Got Marginal Talent fighting each other (how funny would it be to see a country singer and a ventriloquist have to fight MMA to win AGT). Instead they were finalists in two different weight classes from an MMA show.  These matches actually had some solid fighting (what do I know – I just didn’t need Joe Rogan to explain forceful spooning as “great technique” since there were a ton of punches.  And one guy kept trying a move called a “Guillotine” which I never quite figured out because he attempted it and could not hold it on 5 separate occasions.

6th Match I recall: Pretty Blonde Lady Wins as I Fall Asleep

There were seven total matches and it was way past my non-drinking, listening to 80s music bed time when Ronda Rousey came out to fight a Brazilian chick who had been talking a lot of trash about Rousey.  While watching this (and like most women watching a major sporting event I was busy watching a main event with an opposite sex star) I realized that MMA is really just porn for unattractive women (Bad Dads yield porn stars or MMA fighters, depending on looks).  That is what makes Rousey so compelling. She is talented and attractive (though her mug looked a tad South Parky in Furious 7 next to her anorexic Hollywood co-stars, but that is a small issue). Perhaps she tried porn first, but after the third male co-star complained of having their penis severed mid thrust she opted for the Octagon (quick side note – I love the movie Warrior, a very strong film about MMA fighting brothers starring Tom Hardy).  Well as I was almost ready to tap out from fatigue, Rousey punched the Brazilian woman and won in 34 seconds.


I find her very attractive. And she is dangerous, but not in a sleep with a hooker without a condom sort of way, so that is exciting too

No woman is going to beat Ronda Rousey.  Like our women’s soccer team, she is aided by living in America.  Women are mostly relegated to second class status or sex objects in most of the world. so she basically has to compete with either homely trailer park messes from America or the 8 Brazilian women not hot enough to be in the sex houses of one-named soccer stars.  So congrats to Ronda Rousey. Between my ignorance of the sport, my man crush on Henry Cavill and feeling impotent watching your physical powers I now know what it is like to be a woman. #SorryNotSorry #LeanIn #YesAllWomen #CallMeCait #Hashtags

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Road Comedy Recap: Amtrak Animals and Arlington

This weekend represented the end to the longest slump in my comedy career. 7 months in between road work.  There are several possible reasons for this bad streak: bad luck with e-mail response, blacklisted for naming some notorious pieces of sh*t within comedy, making funny videos about people in comedy (the group of people who never stop claiming that “nothing should be off limits” in comedy), or less available work because of the need to work shittier comedians with managers who leverage their bigger clients to get their less talented ones force fed upon the general populace.  Whatever the reason is for my historic dip, this weekend was a break from that as I featured for Michael Ian Black for four shows at the Arlington Cinema & Drafthouse.  So as usual, though I am rusty having not written a road recap in 6 months, let’s start from the beginning.

On Friday morning I headed to Penn Station to catch Amtrak to DC.  I arrived with perfect timing as the train track was called just as I got in view of the big board with all the track assignments.  Now, anyone who knows Penn Station knows that when a track goes up, unlike every other train station in the northeast corridor where orderly lines emerge, a mob scene immediately develops with half of the people attempting to form something close to a line while the other half begin to attack the front of the line from 5 to 6 directions, as if they cannot see the line.  Every time I get a train at Penn Station I am reminded how horrible humanity is.  We don’t need an apocalyptic situation or a water or food shortage to see humanity at its most savage; we just need a track assignment in Penn Station on a Friday.  The best part was when I was in the middle of the line a man just sort of slide into the line right in front of me.  I just tapped him on the shoulder and said “there’s a line.”  He then sheepishly moved all the way back (having a good foot in height and 100 lbs in weight on someone makes enforcing moral order a little bit easier).  I felt good, but I realized that it didn’t really matter.  Just the fact that in a random sample of Amtrak riders, 50% of the population does not give a shit for order or respect for other people irritates me so much.  The only silver lining is that the people that cut the line, rushed the middle, etc. came from all backgrounds, proving that economic status, sexual orientation, gender and race make no difference in how awful human beings are. #AllLivesSuck

This is what a typical afternoon rush for Amtrak looks like at New York Penn Station

So with a good, angry sweat built up observing this I grabbed a seat next to an old lady reading a Kindle (while I read my hard copy book) and headed to DC.

I checked into the Arlington Hyatt, which thanks to good luck on turned out to be a very nice hotel and across the street from a Metro station.  For those of you that do not know Hotwire, it is like gambling for middle and lower class travelers.  You put in your address and it gives you anonymous hotels within certain distance ranges from your given address. It tells you the stars of the hotel, the price you will pay (always cheaper than other travel sites because it ends up helping hotels you might not book on another site because of either the name or the distance). So you could end up with a hotel 3 blocks from your destination or 4 miles (my range was 0 to 5.5 miles that I picked from).  So I was very happy to get a hotel off of a Metro station, 3 stops from the Drafthouse when it could have been a disaster (and they are non-refundable – you only learn your hotel when you have already paid).  It is a very thrilling way to start a mundane trip. But possibly not riveting blog reading.

The shows were really fun at ACDH, as they were the first time I was there in 2014.  I began a bit rusty, but to be fair (since I never hesitate to shit on crowds that suck) they were easy/very pleasant audiences.  The most important thing I learned from the 1st night was that I needed to retire a Ronda Rousey joke I tell. Here is the offending part:

Even more than Hillary Clinton, I feel like Ronda Rousey is a more impressive feminist hero.  Because she is not just doing what a man does, but she is so impressive men might want to be her, without thinking of gender first. I mean she’s rich, she’s famous, she’s ripped and she gets applauded for beating the shit out of women. What guy wouldn’t want to be her?

Now the joke is a solid joke in terms of structure and punch line, but I finally realized (the joke has hit well 50% of the time for me and fallen flat 50% of the time in the 10-12 times I have told it) that I have to quit telling it. If I was 5’3″ and 105 lbs I could probably get away with it because (as I discussed with the emcee of the weekend) it would rise to the level of absurd and the joke would feel less like a viable threat.  However at 6’7″ 275 lbs the idea of hitting a woman is sort of impossible to make funny even if the joke technically works.  #LargeComediansPunchlinesMatter

The second night was outstanding.  I had dusted off some of the rust of the first night and both shows, especially the second one, were killer. Sadly, videotaping is not allowed at ACDH, even by comedians so the set will only live on in the hundreds of oral re-tellings of the feature act’s legendary performance by the hundreds in attendance.  New bits killed, old bits killed and by the end of the night I only had 5 of the 26 CDs I brought to sell (I lost 21 on the Metro – KIDDING – I sold 21 copies because I am very good at stand up comedy).

So it was a great trip and it felt good to be on the road again, even if just for a few days and even if I spent Saturday in my hotel reviewing e-mails for my daytime legal work.  I feel like the two best parts of road work are leaving and returning: the excitement of going to perform for new people and then the mental exhale of knowing you will get back home to your usual comforts: cookies and a TiVo. #Blessed

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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What Could or Will Happen if the NBA Hires a Female Head Coach…

Becky Hammon who was an all star in the WNBA (for those who are not familiar with the WNBA, imagine a really solid male high school player), has recently coached the San Antonio Spurs Summer League team to a championship, which of course would be less meaningful than season two of True Detective if the coach were not a woman.  But it is still a cool, or at least interesting moment in sports.  After all, coaching men, rather than playing with men, does not require anything that a woman doesn’t possess.  And the Spurs are the right organization to test this out – a team without major egos, with an ingrained culture of discipline and selflessness is a much better place to test this out than say, a team with JR Smith or Dwight Howard (asking your coach if she “wants the pipe” or having your 9th child out of wedlock with your coach would be bad PR to say the least).  But while we are on a historic wave of eliminating any distinctions or differences that come with gender, there are some things we should definitely pause to reflect on before an NBA team hires a female head coach:

1) Tony Parker will try to have sex with Becky Hammon if she has a husband who can be cuckolded.  Parker is a great player and slept with his teammate’s wife to prove it.  Don’t think as his career nears its end and playing time dwindles that he won’t try and bang his way to more minutes.

Hide your wife, hide your girlfriend Tony Parker is coming

2) Is the NBA prepared to have a Kardashian as a coach?  If the Kardashian women have to pool all their earnings just to buy a team so they can install one of them as a coach (why ruin the lives of black men one at a time when you can do it twelve at a time) they will.   Though I am pretty sure three Kardashians would find interesting ways to get high profile free agents to sign with the team.

The vaginal and morally bankrupt power to destroy several NBA franchises

3) Expect a lot of Dirk Diggler-esque “You’re not my mom; you’re not my fu*king mom!” arguments between players and coach.  Fame, strained parental relationships, large penises – NBA players have plenty in common with Dirk Diggler of Boogie Nights and at some point there will be some rebelling against a mother-like figure in the locker room or on the court.  Granted, this is preferable to a Latrell Spreewell coach choking incident, but it may be very uncomfortable nonetheless.

"I'm ready to take the shot Becky, You're not my mom!"

4) The Internet will break from think pieces.  Seeing how many blogs and think pieces have been written about Amy Schumer in the last month (even one complaining about her film’s “hetero-normative” vision of life success (monogamy and not being an emotionally crippled woman who uses sex to avoid deep relationships and cover over trauma is apparently offensive to the liberal heroes willing to go over a cliff to pretend that all life choices and conduct are equally healthy and none can ever be judged as better) I can only imagine how a female coach story would explode. Every quote, every tweet, every reaction, etc. would be subject to thousands of outraged words.  Sounds fun.

5) There will be a player’s wife who attacks the coach.  Just google “Doug Christie’s wife” and you should see that if a player’s wife will attack a player, then watching a woman talk down the love of her life and/or meal ticket on TV expect hell to break loose.

6) There will be a shitty inspirational Disney sports movie.

7) What if Becky Hammon begins identifying as a man? Does it still count as hiring a female coach or will it not count at all or will it count as double?

Someone has to ask these important questions.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Ken Burns’ New Documentary on Comedy Is Astonishing

He has captured The Civil War, Baseball, Jazz and Prohibition with a unique and exhaustively entertaining skill set over the last 25 years.  But after looking at all those unique American experiences, Ken Burns has finally turned his lens to another great American art form with his new documentary series COMEDY.  Episode 1 was leaked on line today and it explores an unsung hero of American stand up comedy, Tommie Jones.  If it is any hint of what is to come from this series in August, then we are in store for another Ken Burns masterpiece. Enjoy episode 1 below:

YouTube Preview Image (http://www

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2015 Emmys: The Righteous Prick Reactions

Obviously you should have already listened to this week’s Righteous Prick Podcast thoroughly and hilariously making Emmy predictions (http://righteouspk NULL.podomatic, but if you have not now is the time to do it because the Emmy nominations are out and there are some successes (where they agreed with me) and some abject failures (where they disagreed).

The Good:

The usual suspects were nominated in drama, but good on AMC and the Emmys for getting Better Call Saul several significant nominations, including drama, actor and supporting actor.

In comedy, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt takes its rightful place among the nominees and Girls is nowhere to be found.

I am this excited about all the nominations for Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

In best TV movie, I was beyond pleasantly surprised to see Hello Ladies: The Movie, get nominated, as it gave a beautiful and hilarious 90 minute finale to the most underrated and under-appreciated show of the previous nominating cycle.

Wil Forte for best actor in a comedy in The Last Man on Earth (see my blog praising Wil Forte HERE). The show was overlooked unjustly, but not its star

The Bad:

Netflix – shame on you. You almost certainly played politics (pun intended) and the Emmy voters fell for it. Both House of Cards and Orange is the New Black got best drama nominations after bad seasons.  Meanwhile, Daredevil, which ranks up there with Guardians of the Galaxy and The Dark Knight as the most inventive and surprisingly excellent comic book adaptations of my life is completely ignored (and I am not a comic book nerd type who thinks everything that is remotely enjoyable from a comic book deserves to be in the Library of Congress). Netflix clearly sold out Daredevil and is content to use it like a hot slutty escort that turns heads at a club, while taking House of Cards and OITNB to classy wife functions with dignitaries.

Possibly the best drama of the year gets zero major nominations.

Louie and Transparent – Granted I am biased because Louis CK killed a character that may have been more than loosely based on me, but neither of these shows has been particularly funny.  I think some Emmy voters just recycle their ballots from year to year.  I quit Louie a season ago, so I must admit ignorance, but it never struck me as very funny.  And Transparent is absolutely not funny (here is a post I wrote about “the rise of unfunny comedies” that got some traffic).  I cannot remember a show or movie winning such undeserved praise solely for the political and social climate but get ready for the least funny nominee by a wide margin to somehow walk away with best comedy, so Hollywood can pat itself on the back (I am left of center on most things, but with awards I am all about merit).

Key from Key & Peele for best supporting actor in a comedy?  How can your name be the show and then you sneak in with a “supporting” actor nod?  At least Peele didn’t get nominated (my east favorite of the two) – that should be awkward at the next writers’ meeting.

Based on nominees (and the seasons eligible) here is who I would pick:

Drama – Better Call Saul (Mad Men will win probably, for a subpar season)

Comedy – Kimmy Schmidt (Transparent will win, proving the best way to defeat a 5 time champ – Modern Family – is to have a comedy with no laughs – BOLD!)

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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The GOP Primary Is The Real Last Comic Standing

This month Last Comic Standing will begin another season on NBC, giving 100 comedians a chance to gain wider exposure for their comedy and, for some of them, increase their bookings and earning power.  It will feature men and women of different backgrounds and orientations and eventually a gay comedian will be named the winner (last year I correctly predicted before the season began that a black man would win. This year, given the political and social climate, as well as the fact that there has never been a gay winner of Last Comic Standing – and producers, not audience pick the winner, I am confident a gay person will win), But at the end of the day that is only a comedy contest on television and will have little impact on most of our lives, except perhaps for struggling feature comics who will be bumped down the list at clubs in favor of 3 year veterans with 11 minutes of material – BUT I DIGRESSS.  The more meaningful and almost certainly more hilarious reality competition show that has already started is the Republican Party’s nomination for president process.  They are up to 14 nominees and by the end of the Summer they may be close to the 100 of Last Comic Standing.  And much like LCS, the large Republican field has a diverse array of gender (well, 1 woman), races, sexual orientations (I see you Lindsey Graham) and body types (the angry Louie Anderson/Bobby Bacala himself Chris Christie).  So if you can handle more than one reality comedy competition here’s your LCS style breakdown of the Republican field:

Donald Trump – the only candidate that could cross over and win both the bigoted, insane base of the Republican party AND make the finals of Last Comic Standing, as long as they believed he was an alt-comic character (i.e. hiding his general lack of comedy writing behind one long, uncomfortable note of “a character”)

Carly Fiorina – a woman who failed as CEO of Hewlett Packard… in other words proof that women can ruin businesses just as well as men. And I am sure she is hilarious because women have been and always will be as funny as men, if not funnier.

Ben Carson – a doctor with an inspiring life story who also believes Obamacare is the worst thing to happen to America since slavery.  Here is where Republicans and the comedy industry blend perfectly – both love black men who believe that racism is a thing of the past and would rather spin tales to make white people completely comfortable

Black + Hates Race Talk - Someone at CAA - comedy division sign him if he doesn't get the GOP nomination!

Rand Paul – also a doctor, but being an eye doctor next to Ben Carson’s pediatric neurosurgeon, he might as well be a podiatrist and not even mention it.  He would be the type of comic that fans would love until they saw him pandering with safer, time-worn jokes to win over the tepid NBC/rabid GOP crowd.

Chris Christie – might do better on LCS because fat comics have always been more welcomed than fat politicians.  H will “tell it like it is” which would serve him well for a while on LCS until people realize he is not that funny. Just full of bluster and trans fats.

Marco Rubio – would go far in Last Comic Stading because Latino = good diversity and then, much like his presidential campaign and most Latin comics, people would realize that he is not interesting (not funny) and should get the equivalent of a John Leguizamo one man show – a stint on Fox News.

Jeb Bush – famous name is good for ratings, good experience and from a key state full of funny stories, Jeb Bush would go far on LCS.

Bobby Jindal – also very trump like ability to do better on LCS than the GOP nominating process.  He practically looks and sounds like a Jeff Dunham puppet. Ultra religious conservative Indian American Rhodes Scholar with a southern accent. Jeff Dunham’s next closer.

Jeff Dunham's new closing puppet

Ted Cruz – Recently posted a video of himself doing impressions of Simpsons characters.  It was the least funny thing in the history of the Internet. But he is Canadian and Latin and unattractive and those are all things that tend to do well in comedy, regardless of actual funniness so don’t bet against Cruz crushing it on LCS.

YouTube Preview Image (http://www

Rick Santorum – that comic that has made the semi-finals a few times but never goes on. Boring, but still gets to headline all the Comedy Zone clubs.

Lindsey Graham – If this were Last Comic Standing, Grahams’genteel nature, southern accent and confirmed bachelor status would put him right at the top of my list for potential winners, but as for the GOP nomination, it doesn’t matter how many brown people he is willing to bomb, without a wife and kids he has no chance.


Mike Huckabee – the guy who used to charm with some jokes and speaking to some of the more compassionate angles of Christianity, he has reverted back to being fat and more sarcastically hateful with his rhetoric.  So even if LCS wouldn’t work out, he might land a spot with Anthony Cumia on a podcast.

George Pataki – the veteran who missed his chance but will still get to compete.  He is tall, has good experience and is moderate by the modern GOP’s inquisition-level of tolerance in 2015. But alas, he is boring. Perhaps if he hits himself in the head with the mic, pretending it is a penis, during either a debate or an LCS performance, he might move on

Rick Perry – although Ben Carson is the only black nominee, Perry did vacation at Nig*erhead Ranch so he might be able to rally Black Twitter to support him, as long as they don’t see that he actually looks like a dusty Josh Brolin.  Still could do well in LCS if he remembers all three part of the rule of 3.

(and about to become 15) Scott Walker – Midwestern, white, solid experience, trashes gays and unions – would have been a top choice for LCS for the first 5 years, but is clearly the front runner for the GOP in 2015.

So I am thinking that a  gay comic wins Last Comic Standing, but that a gay-bashing Midwesterner wins the GOP nomination.  But all of them are really just in this to up their speaking fees and lobby for appearances/shows on Fox News  (the Sarah Palin plan).  It is the same thing the real comedians will be doing on Last Comic Standing, except there is no danger there since none of the comics will have a 50/50 chance of running the country.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Colin Farrell May Be The MVP of the Summer

Now that NBA season is done and Lebron James’ heroics fell short we have entered the period of time where dumb movies and baseball dominate our entertainment lives.  In other words, it is a very sad time for many people, even if you ignore the oppressive heat that is coming (the opposite of Game of Thrones).  But in this time of hopelessness it appears a hero may have arisen from the ashes of Stannis Baratheon’s daughter on HBO.  It is not The Rock, though Ballers, for all it’s clear flaws did hold my attention. And it is not The Brink, which also seems to be on the line of potentially fun/potentially a disaster. No the hero comes from a place I never expected it: Colin Farrell.

Colin Farrell was the pretty boy of the moment around 2003(?) or 2006(?) – I really don’t know. he was Irish, and douchey-handsome and women seemed to like him even though his acting was inconsistent and his box office track record sort of shoddy.  And it seemed like no Hollywood dramatic A-listers wanted to follow the McConnaughey-Harrelson season. so the show put together a patchwork quilt of “eh.”  Vince “I really need a hit before my Libertarian politics bury my career for good” Vaughn as the bad guy, Rachel “I am out of my depths, but I am tired of being the nice girl” McAdams as the tough girl cop, Taylor “I’ve had more shots as a leading man than 10 qualified black actors and Steve Howe combined” Kitsch as the cop who has a past we don’t car about and the aforementioned mustachioed Farrell. Now I mention the mustache for the simple reason that the last time Farrell prominently displayed a mustache he was in my “Worst Movie of 2006″ Miami Vice.  But in a weird bit of foreshadowing, I though Farrell was the best part of Miami Vice (contrast with Jamie Foxx, whose performance prompted me to demand that he return his Oscar for Ray).

Well, the comparison that came to mind while watching Farrell was Lebron James.  Lebron was in a great no-lose situation with the Cavs in the NBA Finals.  He had a poor (though still underrated cast, since most people talked about them like they were the silver medalists at the Special Olympics) set of teammates with his two best injured, he could showcase his talents fully and if they won he was the greatest and if they lost, he had still done what just about no human could have done.  I was skeptical of Farrell, but after last night’s episode I see that he both brought it AND was given a great set of circumstances.

First, unlike basketball, an ensemble helps your performance.  Farrell does not need to do 50 minutes of acting, he simply needs to steal the show in 15 minutes (I guess more like a game 3 Matthew Dellavedova), but he does just that. He delivers rage and creepiness that is so on point it is almost funny (in a good way).  I will not spoil his lines for you so you can enjoy them yourself. #hero

Second, the show seems to have taken a nosedive in structure and quality.  It is just gloomy and to be honest when there weren’t exposed breasts or Colin Farrell on camera I sort of drifted in and out of the plot.  So like Lebron, Farrell has a better landscape to perform in for personal glory.

Third, they give Farrell’s character (can’t remember his name, don’t really care) a fat, red-headed son.  This is like Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love being injured.  I don’t even know how Farrell could produce a fat ginger kid (I was reminded after posting this that the kid appeared to have been the product of a rape, presumably with a fat ginger rapist), but it makes his son the target of bullies, which allows Farrell to a) bully his fat ginger kid into telling him who took his kid’s Lebron sneakers (SEE THE PARALLEL IS RIGHT THERE – last year had the Yellow King, this year it is King James)and b) attack the father of the kid who bullied FGK and then yell expletives and sexual threats… to a 12 years old.

Fourth, Colin Farrell does deliver. Last night was not quite a 40 point, 16 assist, 13 rebound type game, but it was like a 27 point, 5 steal performance off the bench.  I wouldn’t be surprised if the creators of TD2 were calling everyone in today after the social media response (and the Righteous Prick bump) and just re-working the last 6 episodes to focus on the Dad beating, kid cursing, fat ginger kid having sonofabitch (sorry Ballers has me writing in the style of The Rock).

So in summary, though I feel like the gloomy nothingness of season two of True Detective will yield no awards and no praise, it is a time for Farrell to step up and reclaim his popularity (which I am not quite sure why he ever had it) and the show seems to be giving him the chance. And if he can make 9 more episode of this watchable, then he will be the real MVP.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Lebron is the Greatest, but Hakeem Already Did THIS in 1994

I have spent the last 8 years of my hoops fan life calling Lebron the greatest player of all time. His combination of Magic Johnson skills, and a size and athleticism combination suggesting an evolutionary leap forward made it obvious to me.  And then for 4 years I wrote and podcasted his greatness to death post-The Decision, mainly because of the obviousness of his talent and the hypocrisy of non-Cleveland basketball fans who seemed to only express outrage at Lebron’s disloyalty because he was not disloyal with them (hi Knick fans).  So it is sort of bittersweet to see Lebron getting so much respect and credit now from people with low basketball IQs who could not fully appreciate Lebron’s greatness until they had 100% proof in the form of this year’s Finals run (a LOT of people on my Facebook feed qualify).  Was he not the greatest of all time last year when he played great, but was severely under-matched against a brilliant and hungry Spurs team? Well now everyone is back on the Lebron bandwagon more than ever before and it has forced me to point out a fact amidst this love fest narrative: Lebron may be doing something Michael Jordan never did (potentially winning a finals without a stud second banana), but what Lebron is doing is NOT unprecedented.  It happened in 1994 and was done by Hakeem Olajuwon.

In 1994 Hakeem Olajuwon took a team of journeymen and young, not yet developed talent on his back and carried them to a 7 game win over the Knicks (hi Knick fans) in the Finals.  He averaged 28 ppg, more than double the next best playoff average on his team. And let’s look at his roster:

  • Vernon Maxwell
  • Robert Horry (rookie year)
  • Kenny Smith
  • Otis Thorpe
  • Sam Cassell (rookie year)
  • Mario Elie

Wow – doesn’t that roster inspire fear???  Not one all star on the team. Not sure if Thorpe ever made an all star team and I was informed on social media this morning debating this point that Sam Cassell made one all star team… in 2004.  So the idea that no player has ever done what Lebron has done is plain false.  Sorry, I have defended him and love watching him play, but facts are facts.  And watching this finals aren’t the Cavs sort of displaying the same sort of unlikely heroes that the Rockets sort of did?  Granted both supporting casts benefit from playing with a top 10 all time player, but let’s look at it:

  • Dellavadova is playing as great as any role player in Finals history.  And it is not all because of Lebron. The man is on every lose ball like one of those annoying guys trying to impress the coach.
  • Tristan Thompson is rebounding like the spirit of Dennis Rodman is inside him
  • Timofey Mozgov is proving to be a competent center (Hi Knick fans). Not an all star, but solid in the post, able to hit clutch free throws (game 1) and a legitimate rim protector
  • JR Smith and Iman Shumpert (just to say hi Knick fans), but isnt JR Smith basically Vernon Maxwell?

My point is this: I freely admit that this Cavs supporting cast wouldn’t win 30 games without Lebron, but neither would that 1994 Rockets team.  So let’s enjoy Lebron’s run as potentially the greatest finals performance ever, but what he is doing is not completely unprecedented.  Hakeem may have operated int he shadow of Michael Jordan’s departure, but it is no reason to bury his legacy under the ascension of Lebron James.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Go Back In Time