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Super Bowl Preview: Battle of the (Potential) Inspirational Sports Movies

I generally save this blog for stories of comedy struggles, comedy complaints and the occasional defense of President Obama or Lebron James.  But, as a huge fan of movies and sports, I cannot help but see the amazing potential for inspirational sports movies out of this coming Sunday’s Super Bowl XLIX (that is 49 in letters apparently).  If just one of the teams in the Super Bowl had made the game it would be enough to inspire a Disney movie 20 years from now, but both the Seattle Seahawks AND the New England Patriots provide blueprints for at least  half a dozen new sports movies.  So here are a few I thought some screenwriters should get working on ASAP:

The Man Behind The Sweatshirt – Bill Bellichek is one of the greatest coaches in NFL History. And he has a secret that could ruin his career.  He has a thing for extremely handsome quarterbacks (this was inspired by a bit on Adam Carolla’s show last week).  Everyone knows Tom Brady.  But how about his back up quarterback Jimmy Garappolo?  Matt Damon and a beefed up Zac Efron to co-star? But imagine the Oscar worthy performance of coaching brilliance and unrequited love that someone like Brendan Gleeson could turn in as Bill Bellichek.

My #1 casting choice to play Bill Bellichek


Mat Damon and Zac Efron would co-star.

Alien and Predator – This movie would focus on the Christian robot of quarterback humility and cliches Russell Wilson and his relationship with Richard Sherman, Stanford grad and wearer of hairstyle from 1987′s Predator.  Tag line for the movie: “One plays offense… the other is offensive. But together they might just win it all!”

The Rejects – This movie would be a traditional sports movie, focusing on all of the Seattle Seahawks, many of whom were low round draft picks and the goofy white savior coach who believed in them (and basically let them do whatever they want), Pete Carroll.

The Unnatural – This would be a movie focused on 5th Round pick Kam Chancellor who thanks to supplements would become a safety the size of a linebacker leading the terrific secondary.  This movie would almost follow a Stand and Deliver (inspiration, but not a sports movie) where about 2/3 of the way through the movie he would fail a drug test… but then eat the drug tester so he could continue playing.

Crotch and Gronk – In the spirit of movies like Radio, not only do crowds like inspirational movies about special needs people, but so do the Oscars.  And in this Super Bowl we have not one, but two people with prodigious talent and prodigious special neediness. Marshawn Lynch can run through a brick wall, but enjoys touching himself in public and has difficulty speaking to reporters.  Rob Gronkowski, statistically the greatest tight end in NFL History is possibly the dumbest happy go-lucky man in the NFL. Just imagine the comedic possibilities when his coach asked how many concussions he had after failing the concussion protocol and Gronk answers “None. I am just not very good at tests.”

The Anti Sports Movie – Yes this would be the hipster, alt title to the movie and it would focus on the New England Patriots (based on a brilliant comedic bit by a comedian named J-L Cauvin).  Sports movies always provide us certain templates – e.g. white guy saves a bunch of black guys who work hard and don’t have a chance because of racism and/or lack of resources.  But how about a movie about an angry white coach who makes heroes out of small white guys in a league full of formerly poor black guys?  And they are led by the least likely (and least likable) sports movie hero of all time – a pretty man named Tom who wears Uggs, hair plugs and is married to a super model.   Possible break out comedy hit of 2020.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Weekend Comedy Recap: The Magnificent Seven

This weekend was a busy weekend in comedy for me.  On Friday night I opened for Bill Maher (this is what I call eating a sandwich and tweeting a couple of funny jokes before sitting down to watch Bill Maher on HBO) and Saturday I was having an important industry meeting (this is what I call having a couple of beers with my friend John while telling him an Adam Carolla joke about microbrews, “are there any more ‘brews’ or is everything now a microbrew?” while he suggested to me having a podcast on craft beer – not a bad suggestion, based solely on the irritating trendiness potential of the topic).  So after that whirlwind of comedy (I was also asked to review a contract of a comedian friend on Saturday evening, giving my unpaid legal work gigs an early 1-0 advantage over unpaid comedy gigs in 2015) I moved on to Sunday where I actually had that lesser valued part of a growing stand up comedy career (after Twitter followers, Google analytics, numbers among millennials, etc.): a stand up comedy gig (and just like that unpaid comedy gigs pulled even with unpaid legal consultations for comedians at 1 a piece).

On Sunday night I was on a show at the Laughing Devil in Long Island City, the club where I recorded my Louis CK video (https://www and my best album, Keep My Enemies Closer (https://itunes In other words I am only a Hells Angels’ stabbing a random black dude away from making that place world famous.  Well, to confess, this was my first gig of 2015 so I decided to try a batch of mew material for my 10 minutes set.  When I entered the showroom a minute before my set I noticed that there were 6 audience members.  I felt like Rain Man counting toothpicks I calculated the number so fast, but upon slowly fact checking my brilliant first impression it was indeed only 6 people.  But as much as it is a cliche for comedians to say, I had a great time with those six people (if you are not as good at math as I am, the title of this blog alludes to the fact that me performing would be added to the six audience to make it a “Magnificent Seven.”) and at least 5 of them seemed to enjoy my set.  about 8 of the 10.5 minutes I did was 2015 new and the biggest chunk, based off a blog I wrote, really killed (you would have thought there were 11-13 people laughing) so that was encouraging.  I can confidently say that two of the bits from last night will almost certainly make the cut for my next album recording this Spring/Summer (it will be album #5 and so far the two titles I am considering are Chinese Democracy or My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, assuming that neither is taken)

So that is it folks – the first comedy recap blog of 2015.  Now here’s hoping the hostel gig I have booked for February 1st is the gig that finally takes me to the next level. #Blessed #ComedyMogul

Epilogue: It was raining when I went to the gig so I brought an umbrella.  The rain had stopped by the time my set was done so I left my umbrella at the club. Assuming it is gone now the gig actually cost me $15 in a lost umbrella. #ComedyMogul

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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How Joel Osteen Became a Mega Church Superstar Revealed in This Video

Joel Osteen is one of the most successful televangelists in America, preaching from his 20,000 person Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas.  He preaches his prosperity gospel to sold out arenas around the world, but how did a man discussing the teachings of the Bible and Jesus Christ become as rich and successful as Osteen?  Well, in this video, exclusive to shows a sermon in the late 1990s, when Osteen, frustrated with low church attendance began to offer some different lessons.  Here it is for your viewing pleasure/salvation:

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For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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The Righteous Prick’s Best Stuff of 2014

The last few years I have posted my ten favorite things of the year at the end of the year like a bitter, broke Oprah. Instead this year I will just share a couple of things off of the top of my head that made my year that I think you might enjoy (and then when the calendar turns to 2015 I will be back to criticizing and complaining about things).

Favorite Book I read this year – The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander. The book came out a couple of years ago, but in its paperback life is when it became a bit of a phenomenon.  An extremely important read and could not be more relevant to 2014.

Favorite Movie of 2014 – wait for the J-L Movie Life Awards Episode tomorrow. Subscribe here (https://www (in the running – Whiplash, Birdman, Guardians of the Galaxy, Selma, John Wick… yes John Wick)

Favorite TV Show of 2014 – Fargo

Favorite Album of 2014 – I don’t buy many full albums anymore so it was between Beyonce’s secret album, U2′s free album or my friend’s band’s (they do the music for my podcast) new album. So naturally, because it has the most plays of the three on my iPod, I am going with Batsu by The Big Sexy (get it here (https://itunes or at least buy One Too Many Bottles, since it is my favorite single and a great homage to Guns N Roses-esque rock)

Favorite Thing I Did in 2014 – no brainer – Louis CK’s Comedy Academy web series (https://www

Thing that made me laugh the hardest in 2014. Also a no brainer:

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Happy New Year everyone. Complain to you in 2015

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Top 10 Righteous Prick Podcasts of 2014

On this Christmas Eve I continue a yearly tradition by providing you with the top 10 Righteous Prick Podcast episodes of the year.  If you are a loyal listener then simply bask in the memory of these 10 gems, but if you are a part time listener or a recent convert to the podcast then this list should provide you with some great listening entertainment over the holidays and (hopefully) motivation to subscribe on iTunes.  The topics range from music to sports to racism and of course stand up comedy.  This year I had my most listens/downloads of the three years I have been doing the podcast, so for all the pessimism there is reason to be optimistic going forward into year 4.  So without further adieu, after painstaking deliberations by a committee of me, here are the top 10 episodes of 2014:


10. Trading Places with Magic Johnson and the Ferguson Aftermath – This episode was a solo episode recorded while I watched the riots in Ferguson, Missouri.  It was a very funny, somewhat manic steam of consciousness episode of me lamenting my comedy career while simultaneously lamenting the situation in Ferguson.  Listen here (http://righteouspk NULL.podomatic

9. The Big Sexy – In a rare, straightforward interview episode, I had a fun chat with the band that provides my podcast theme music.  The episode was full of humor and sampled three great tracks off of their new album.  Enjoy it here (http://righteouspk NULL.podomatic

8. Michael Brown – This was a last minute, almost late posting of my weekly episode where I was not sure what I wanted to talk about, but ended up delivering a solo episode on the Michael Brown shooting that got a lot of good feedback.  Listen to it here (http://righteouspk NULL.podomatic

7. Lebron James and Last Comic Sickness with Mark Normand – In what has become a yearly Summer ritual I began this June episode with a defense of Lebron James and then, as part of my Summer 2014 series, I interview the funny and very forthright Mark Normand about his experience on Last Comic Standing.  Check it out here (http://righteouspk NULL.podomatic

6. Who Should Replace Letterman w/ JP McDade and Sid Singh  - On the episode I first announce the worst person in comedy contest winner and then have a hilarious discussion on who should and will replace David Letterman on The Late Show (spoiler – I nailed it).  Listen here (http://righteouspk NULL.podomatic

5. The True Detective Debate and Duke Porn Star Sequel – This was a double episode. The first part was a follow up to a discussion about Belle Knox, the “Duke Porn Star” (I was sick on the first episode, which did get a lot of downloads, but history and my health have proven this is the episode to show to demonstrate how right I was about Ms. Knox.  The second part of the episode is my critique/debate over True Detective, featuring my kick-ass Rust Cohle impression.  Settle in for a good one here (http://righteouspk NULL.podomatic

4. Comedy Life Coach (Ep. 136) with Josh Homer – The guest who averages by far the most listens is Josh Homer.  Among his several appearances this year this was the best as we talk comedy and he tries to give me advice going forward in 2014. Get schooled here (http://righteouspk NULL.podomatic

3. Futbol Fad or Soccer to Stay with Alexis Geuerreros and Steve Serra – Some listeners may be surprised to find this episode so high, but there was no episode I had more fun on all year.  A lively and hilarious discussion about soccer/futbol and the World Cup.  Laugh along with me here (http://righteouspk NULL.podomatic

2. The Case Against Anthony Cumia and Comedy with Cleveland Improv Manager Lee Herlands - A double episode where either half would have made the top 10. First I discuss the controversial radio host Anthony Cumia and in the second half I have a hilarious and insightful discussion with Cleveland Improv Manager Lee Herlands.  Enjoy it here (http://righteouspk NULL.podomatic

and… in my mind a complete no brainer for the best episode of the year, and probably of the three years I’ve had the podcast:

1. Comedy Scar Tissue with Mike Payne –  I genuinely believe this is the best episode I have ever done.  It was my most downloaded episode of the year for a reason.  Two comics laughing and lamenting the psychological rewards and costs of pursuing and quitting comedy. Listen here (http://righteouspk NULL.podomatic

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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New Video Asks: What If Your Favorite TV Bad Boys Were Black?

With Sons of Anarchy ending recently, many of the bad boys of the golden age of television are dead and gone (some literally, some just figuratively).  Walter White, Jax Teller, Tony Soprano and Dexter Morgan just to name a few.  But while these men got away with season upon season of violence and anti-heroics, what might have happened to these characters had they been black? Well, that question is answered in this new video:

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For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Weekend Comedy Recap: The Town Greyhound Bus Forgot

This weekend marked the last scheduled comedy work of the year for me (and technically the last scheduled work of my life if you check the barren wasteland that is the calendar page of my website, but I am mildly confident it will not stay that way) and it was a classic J-L gig full of positives, negatives and sad transportation.  The trip began with Martz Trailways – the Monkees to Greyhound’s Beatles.  The shows were at Mohegan Sun in Wilkes Barre, PA.  The first thing to mention is that the casino is really nice.  It is how small casinos should do it – make your casino a smaller site of luxury instead of making a big, cheap, shitty casino.  People would rather have a small dose of a luxury hotel with nice restaurants, bars and table games then some behemoth of slot machines and crappy buffets (the buffet at MSWB by contrast  is quite good).  But before I can get to the casino I had to take the aforementioned Martz Trailways.

There are a few signs that your town or city is struggling.  One is if there is an Ebola breakout.  Another is if the girls who reside there are routinely beaten for attending school. But a worse sign than either of those is if Greyhound buses choose not to service your town or city.  And Greyhound does not go to Wilkes Barre.  So when one arrives at the bus depot at Wilkes Barre it sort of resembles a group of overfed walkers from The Walking Dead.  After a relatively pleasant three hour bus ride (as pleasant as I can be with my knees firmly lodged into the encroaching seat in front of me I arrived and waited for the local bus to arrive.

You guys going to NYC or Scranton?

Pulling up to a nice casino on a public bus is probably exactly how the Rat Pack did it in Las Vegas, so naturally I felt like a real big shot when I stepped inside the Mohegan Sun.

Dean? Frank? Sammy? You guys there?

The first night the show was tremendous though I had a moment that made me feel really guilty.  One of my jokes that I recently wrote, based on an actual encounter at a Panera Bread in October of this year, is about a confrontation between an older man and a young woman.  I described the man as a “Clint Eastwood type who had the look of a man who had killed a bunch of teenagers in some foreign village.”  It got a decent laugh, though that is not one of the big laugh lines in the bit anyway.  But coming off stage (to tremendous applause #Blessed) a man in a motorized scooter stopped me and said “You were very good, but we didn’t go over there to kill kids. That wasn’t right.”  And for one of the few times in over 11 years of doing comedy I felt really bad.  Obviously I did not mean the reference as an indictment of veterans, but of course the imagery would be graphic to someone who actually had been in Vietnam.

So I was feeling bad waiting outside to sell CDs after the show (sold 3 #ComedyMogul) and I saw the man drive his scooter (is that how you describe that?) to the bathroom and then he just got off it and walked with relative ease to the bathroom!  Knowing that he could walk made me feel less bad about the joke for some reason so the night ended on a high note and I celebrated with a large chocolate milkshake (#ComedyMogul).

The next day I spent in my room writing two of my best sketches ever.  Look for the first one on December 16th (a novel look at the violence affecting black men in America) and the other one in early January (me as Joel Osteen).  I will leave it at that, but I have missed the days of being able to just sit and write for 5 or 6 hours in a row.  I can really crank out good shit when left alone by people trying to get me to pay my bills.

The Saturday show was very good and I sold one CD after which I promptly used to buy a large chocolate milkshake ($4 change left over #ComedyMogul).  The club paid me in cash, which given my love of gambling was dangerous, but for the second trip to MSWB in a row I avoided all gambling. After all, trying to make stand up comedy a career is a much bigger gamble than anything you can put on the roulette wheel.

The next morning woke up early and went to the Wilkes Barre station which at 645 am is fortunately cleared of walkers.

All is quiet on the Wilkes Barre front

So there it is folks. Another year of stand up and travel is over.  Now it is time to get into the office and help some real #moguls make money so I can continue my #ComedyMogul lifestyle (extra chicken on my lunch salad).

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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New Movie Shows How TMZ Sports Brought Down Ray Rice and Roger Goodell

The Ray Rice-Roger Goodell-NFL scandal that rocked the sports world has predictably gotten a cinematic treatment.  In the spirit of the classic All The President’s Men comes this generation’s great saga of intrepid journalism conquering corruption in power.  Check out All The Commissioner’s Men:

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For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Weekend Comedy Recap: Comedy Sharecropping in Connecticut

This past Saturday I had a gig at an Italian restaurant in Connecticut.  To be fair I also had a paid gig at a bar in NYC on Friday so it was basically a cash bonanza for my comedy career.  The Friday gig conflicted with the Utah Jazz- (my favorite hoops team of the last 27 years) NY Knicks game at Madison Square Garden.  The Jazz had lost 9 of their last 10 games at MSG (including the last 6 that I was in attendance for).  Last year I went to the game courtesy of Lorne Michaels’ seats (a writer on an LM show gave them to me because he was unable to go last minute and when an NYC comedian hears Utah Jazz they think of me) and the Jazz lost by about 140 points.  So of course this year I decide to take a $20 spot in NYC and predictably the Jazz won on a buzzer beater in a very exciting game.  Meanwhile at the bar show I was heckled for 20 minutes a cop during my set (the kind of heckler where after the show he/she says “hey man… I am just being me… it’s all good” which is basically what the heckler said).  My main response to him halfway through one of his unsolicited tag suggestions was “Thank you, I will be sure to stop by your station house Monday and offer tips on how to better beat up black teens.”

On Saturday morning it was time to film a new sketch. I had to construct a desk podium the night before, but after filming the sketch I donated it to Ripley-Grier studios. So not only am I a great artist, but I am also a patron of the arts. #Hero

All of this was prelude to the main event: featuring at a restaurant in Danbury, Connecticut.  Not only was there a check at the end of the show, but non-alcoholic beverages were on the house!  However, alcohol and food were full price.  First step was the $27 round trip ticket on Metro North. Upon arriving in Bridgeport it was a $30 cab ride (split with the emcee so only $15 bucks per person #blessed) to the restaurant.  There was a Dunkin Donuts next door to the restaurant so I thought, “Hey I will go to Dunkin Donuts, eat a cheap egg white sandwich and juice for dinner to save my constantly diminishing profit margin!”  But we arrived at 8pm to the restaurant and guess what time DD closed?  8pm. It was like a coherent strategy had been implemented against my financial well being.   So I went inside and ordered a lasagna at the restaurant bar.  As my profit officially dipped into double digit dollars I just instinctively began humming negro spirituals.  Here is a clip of the emcee and I right before our sets:

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The sets went really well, but during the headliner’s set I got hungry so I ordered a piece of carrot cake because I knew we would be making a run for the 11:13 train (the last one to NYC for the night) and I did not want to starve on the train home (#HalfWhitePeopleProblems).  So with $1 left in my pocket I got my check and the booker’s wife drove the emcee and I to the Metro North station.  There was no time to sell CDs sadly so I ended up netting slightly less than my monthly Sprint Mobile bill.   I know the sharecropping analogy in the title may seem a stretch, but if the financial realities of a one-nighter don’t convince the reader I was also forced to sit in the comedians-only section of the Metro North train on the way back to NYC.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Comedy and Weight Loss Across America

When life closes one door, another one opens.  This is very true in my life, but generally when one decent door closes , the new door opening is an elevator door opening yielding an empty and fatal elevator shaft.  For the last couple of months I have been struggling to keep up with my free content empire (blogs and sketch videos have suffered the biggest reduction, the podcast has had more solo episodes while movie reviews remain the most consistent) with some very time consuming daytime legal work.  But no need to worry fan (or possibly I am up to fanS plural now), my day job assignment ended two weeks early so while I will start desperately seeking day time work (I receive replies to 5% of my comedy booking emails, but 75% of my legal work emails so at least I get some positive affirmation on top of actual money from pursuing legal work over comedic work) and experiencing financial related stress I will have more time to reaffirm my status as the King of All Unpaid Media.  Today’s contribution is a series of videos from stand up shows this year that will showcase some solid bits (mostly new from the 2nd half of 2014, or improved if not new bits) and provide an accidental time lapse of some of my weight loss this year.

I considered posting my half hour submission to Comedy Central from the DC Improv, but I would rather keep that product private until I officially don’t get picked. In the unlikely event I get selected then I definitely won’t post it because I think 90% of it would end up being what I would like to showcase on a television taping.  So enjoy this collection of random bits from 2014:

The Fatal Mistake of Quiznos

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Dating vs Hooking Up

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The Battle of Generations at Panera Bread

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The End of Racism and Black Bouncers

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The Benefit of Gay Marriage

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For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes (https://itunes***k-w-j-l-cauvin/id504139550?mt=2) and/or STITCHER (http://www NULL.stitcher New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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