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November 23, 2016

The Early Short List: Who the Democrats Should Nominate for 2020

by J-L Cauvin

As President-Elect Donald Trump puts together his cabinet of the best, tremendous people who will make America Great Again or an apocalyptic wasteland it is clear that his administration will be hawkish on aggressive military action, scientifically ignorant to the point of criminal negligence and sympathetic to the concerns of the most bitter white people (isn’t that an even nicer way to refer to the Alt-Right?!).  He has backtracked on most of his major rallying cries (build the wall, lock her up, drain the swamp and “believe me” have all proven to be rhetoric to get people to foam at the mouth), but will come through on Koch Brother-Paul Ryan-Mike Pence wet dreams (a creationist as Secretary of Education, stridently pro-life appointments to the Supreme Court, destruction of the environment, cutting taxes for the wealthy), so America has basically gotten a less experienced, less honest and less competent version of the average red state Republican in Donald Trump.  But it is important to remember that the Projector-in-Chief-Elect is so much better than Hillary Clinton.  After all she had fake scandals, real experience and a vagina – 3 STRIKES AND YOU’RE OUT!  So the question is, what will the Democrats do to prepare for 2020 when President Pence is up for re-election (I am predicting that within 3 weeks of the Democrats taking over the Senate in 2018 President Trump will resign because it will be the first chance he has to blame his lack of preparedness and competency on the Democrats since he will have the full government/limited room for excuses for the first 2 years)?  Will they take to heart the lessons of 2016 (don’t nominate someone with experience, listen to the uninformed “economic” concerns of racists and bigots, adhere to a pie-in-the-sky progressive agenda) or will they make the mistake of 2016 and nominate an incredibly smart. capable and experienced person? As a political junkie and half-black immigrant, half blue collar Irish Catholic I think I have the suggestions that can give the Democrats the widest possible coalition to win in 2020:

Khloe Kardashian

As Van Jones put it, a lot of this election was about a “whitelash.” After being led by a “You Think You Better N Me?!” black man, large swaths of the country wanted a white back in the White House.  I mean, they wanted economic security back… so they voted for a billionaire who lies and rips off workers and promises jobs and industries that cannot and will not come back, which would be known to anyone who reads once in a while.  But if the goal is to take down the legacy of a black man (President Obama) and institute policies that will hurt other black people then the best way for the Democrats to win over Trump voters is to nominate Khloe Kardashian.  No group of women has destroyed more black men than the Kardashians and the new star in the family on this front is Khloe (look at the MVP season James Harden is having since breaking up with her).  Rumor has it that Khloe’s vagina is called “The 1994 Crime Bill” because of its negative impact on black men.  She also comes with a lot of money and a big social media presence so she is basically Trump with booty.  But she is a woman who dates men of color so progressives should also find her enticing.

Suge Knight

Shady business dealings.  Mogul. Strong and authoritative leadership. Basically if you want a bigger and blacker version of Trump Suge Knight is your candidate.  And imagine President Trump or Pence trying to debate him or tweet at him with insults.

Trump’s Nanny(ies)

One of the biggest factors that allowed voters to support a racist, misogynistic, low information, poor temperament, constantly projecting, arrogant, delusional alleged billionaire was the fact that his children appeared to be competent and well-behaved.  Well if the measure of a presidential candidate is how well they raise children, then the Democrats should nominate the wet nurse/au pair of Trump’s kids as the full ticket in 2020. Of course, need to make sure Trump didn’t pull an Arnold Schwarzenegger or a Jude Law because it would damage the chances of the Democrats winning (the adultery would have no impact on Trump’s re-election chances).

Mixed Race Trans Zygote

With Bernie supporters claiming that he would have destroyed Trump in the election (because Trump supporters seem to be very open to socialists and Jews), while skipping over the fact that maybe drawing some angry, bigoted support is not the noblest of justifications for rejecting a candidate that beat him soundly in the primary, Democrats should still pay attention to their progressive wing. That is why I suggest a Constitutional Amendment making the age lower for nominees.  Then the Democrats should nominate a mixed race, transgendered zygote. Benefits – diversity, progressive, not a troublesome record of experience and GOP fabrications following it.  However, so as not to alienate Bernie folks in the rust belt, the candidate should just be known as “Working Class, Unidentifiable Individual.”

Ivanka Trump

If the brand of Trump emerged with Donald then Ivanka is the ultimate fulfillment of that brand. She speaks with the composure of a beauty pageant contestant and the tone of a phone sex operator. She is beautiful and some of it is actually genetic (not the nose or breasts and her eyes also look like they have been modified, and I am not sure what her natural hair color is) and she doesn’t say hateful things (she just stands by and laughs it off as Dad being Dad).  In other words, to fight fire with fire it may be time to nominate one Trump who may be even more inauthentic than the President-Elect to defeat him.  She is the anti-Hillary – hot, inexperienced, young and possibly a cyborg.  And unlike other women he has run against, we already know that Donald thinks very highly of Ivanka’s body.

Get J-L’s new stand up albums KEEP MY ENEMIES CLOSER &  ISRAELI TORTOISE on iTunes, Amazon & Google.

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